


AARU AND THE WATER-LILY OF THE SUN

by pumpkinbask



Series: Montsechia - Maze of Memories [1]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: (Some)Ships might start sailing in the third part, Alternate Universe - College/University, Blood and Gore, Changlix is a focus later on, Fantasy, Fluff and Humor, Historical Fantasy, Jilix bffs, Kims/Yang brothers, M/M, No Explicit Sexual Content, Other, Reincarnation, Series might be more Changlix focused but all of them get their big share, Swearing, Transmigration, all friendships sail from the start, at least intended, each chapter might contain triggering parts, still kisses skinship and such
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-15
Updated: 2020-02-09
Packaged: 2021-01-30 23:25:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 35,672
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21436417
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pumpkinbask/pseuds/pumpkinbask
Summary: “So beautiful. What's the flower's name?”“Blue Lotus missing the Sun.”“Why? The sun is up now?!”“That's because they show up above the water's surface only during the day and the white lotus blooms only at night.”“I pity them.”“Why?”“Because the blue lotus must miss the moon it never met. And the white lotus must yearn for the sun's warmth it never had.”
Relationships: Bang Chan/Kim Woojin, Han Jisung | Han/Lee Minho | Lee Know, Hwang Hyunjin/Kim Seungmin, Lee Felix/Seo Changbin, Wong Yuk Hei│Lucas/Yang Jeongin│I.N
Series: Montsechia - Maze of Memories [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1545406
Comments: 3
Kudos: 15





	1. The one who shines at night

tap tap tap, tap tap tap, tap tap tap

The warm night breath was caressing his puffy cheeks while he was running.  
Heart pounding, similar to a hummingbird who was trying to get away from his predator.  
Just one corner, just one more turn and he would be in a safety spot. 

The tall dark building glossed in moonlight entered his vision. It was the middle of the night and he shivered over the fear getting caught.  
Just a few more steps and he would finally pass inside one of the stone chambers.

After running for so long this was the motivation he needed.  
His exhausted, overheated body was filled with new energy. A new feeling of invincibility, he suddenly became ten times lighter. 

Tap tap tap, tap tap - 

Within a heartbeat he tripped and slumped to the ground.  
The vision became blurry. Eyes filled with hot tears, he whimpered softly over the pulsing pain from his right ankle and left knee.  
The moon beautifully round before him, mocked the boy with being a hazy light mess as he looked up to the sky. 

The tempting desire strong to just give up there. To lie on the ground and wait till his surroundings would absorb him until nothing was left, neither bones nor bruised soul. His hands started to give away slightly, bringing his body closer to the ground. The right knee and hands - which had saved him from more injuries - feeling like a mass of jelly right now. Bloody cuts on his bare feet and hands didn't bother him anymore. 

The body and mind yearned for a rest. Maybe one where he would never have to see those things again, hear those voices and feel the way he does again. Thoughts rumbling free– forming a wild turbulent sea. Wave after wave his sanity was swept away.  
Anxiously his mind screamed to be released and his heart started to ache. Beating uncontrollable, speeding his breathing up to a high tempo.  
Sweating in the midsummer night, he started to get chills all over his body.  
Everything became muddy. Eyes wide open, his whole being started to shake violently as a numbness was spreading out. 

New strong waves were disturbing his sanity again:

'This can't be real! No please, NO! It's surreal! Nothing is real! I'm dying! Help! LEAVE ME ALONE! Please somebody, anybody–help! I'm sorry! I really am! Please help me! SO SORRY!'

A new thought flashed through his mind – he couldn't breathe!!!  
The gasps of air became shorter and shorter and unrestrained. His abdomen was working hard. Shooting up and down, trying to bring him a little relief.  
All the noises in his head were gone. Only this one phrase remain, being repeated:

'I can't breathe, I can't breathe, I CAN'T BREATHE!!!!!!!!'

Just as the last string of his sanity was being torn apart, from far away he could hear something.  
Hushed voices and firm footsteps approached.  
A wake up call, and suddenly his resolve came from behind his mind again.  
The blank expression on his face started to become lively again, and he rushed up to limp fast towards the lush green bush in front of him. The heart was still beating fast, but he acted on impulse with a clearer mind. It was more like a survival instinct which pushed him to a further act with no time to think anymore.  
Finally behind the bush, his hands groped the stones in front of him, until he finally found one big stone which stood a little out. This particular stone was as twice tall as him and three times wider. He pushed the stone with all his might as he heard the friction on the ground it moving forward. 

He pushed as far as he just needed to slip through. As soon as he was on the other side he pushed the stone back and leaned with his exhausted and wounded body on it to take a couple of breaths and to adjust his eyes to the darkness surrounding him. 

This hidden entrance was actually a secret known only to a few people, as well its location inside the huge structure. Which was nothing more than an exit in one of the basement stockrooms. This “stone” wasn't a real stone brick like the others of this foundation. It was more like a perfectly fitting clean cut door which was masked as one of the other stones. Even the strongest men couldn't just easily move one of these stones. An imposing structure like this, one of its stones being replaced with a hidden exit door had the same outcome as a leaf falling of an elm tree in its lushest prime. 

While his eyes finally were getting used to the dark chamber, he tried his best to control his breathing and the people which shared his secret came into his mind. A particular one especially.  
Frankly spoken, his physical condition was beyond bad. Apart from his - what he hoped to be a fractured - ankle, grazed knee and some cuts, his exhausted psychological condition was even worse. It was the main cause of his damaged body constitution right now. 

Strongly he was forcing the new chiming voices who lingered inside subconciousness down. Reminding himself he didn't have the time to think about anything, expect to get to the first floor as fast as possible. He thought about the voices from earlier outside and knew it would be catastrophic if they found him. No, he couldn't be found yet. Not after all the effort he did. With a small new surge of energy he limped his way up. 

If someone had told him hours ago he had to go inside this specific building in the middle of the night, he would have just locked himself somewhere up just not to go. The eerie air around him even increasing after entering the upper level. A softly faint illuminated first floor was in front of him.

There wasn't much to see regarding his surroundings. Only one wide open room, parting itself with four tall stone pillars from the narrow but long vestibule. Which was leading to the main door outside and at its other end to the basement. There wasn't even much furniture inside the room. Just a simple piece, a stone altar in the middle of the room and a statue next to it. Behind this kind of altar there wasn't a wall, it was only an open space. Letting the moonlight in through sheer golden ornamented light fabrics. The floor-length curtains were neatly positioned next to each other, as if they were trying to keep away the outside world from sneaking just the slightest look inside. Still, the current sneaker outside wasn't impressed at all. The fresh summer breeze was playing with the fabric sluggishly like a lazy kitten. 

The dark-colored stones were soaking away all the warmth, and the boy suddenly shivered.  
Slowly he limped forward to the middle of the room in a trance being pulled by the object on the altar. It was a huge chest height colorful ornamented vase. Standing in front of it, it was even more impressive. He felt oppressed by it and wondered how he could reach inside. 

Timidly he looked around the room. He wouldn't dare to let any kind of living being watch his next moves.  
Stealing a small side glimpse to the statue on the right wall which faced the altar, and he swallowed all his concerns away. Carefully he climbed on the free narrow space, the left side of the altar.  
After he felt he was steady enough on one foot right next to the vase, his hands reached out to get a hold of the mouth of the big jar. With an anxious expression he slowly declined his head to take a peak. 

“So the rest is being prepared?”

“For the thousand time - it is.”

“Trust us cousin, there is not a living being who will dare to meddle in.”

“What living?! Not even a dead being will be as shameless.”

Several loud voices could be heard, who had passed through the main entrance.

His face dropped, shocked he lost his balance. Everything happend too fast.  
Slipping from the altar he only managed to twist his upper body before he crashed hard with his stomach and head on the stone altar. A small scream full of pain came through his mouth while gripping the edge of the alter as hard as he could. 

'At least - '  
But before he could come to his senses, another loud noise next to him occurred. 

The beautiful ornamented vase was bursting into pieces on the stone floor. 

'No! No, no, no, no, no!!!!!'

In an aghast state he looked over his right shoulder. If everything before happened within a single breath, now time had stopped. Each movement of the boy, turning his whole body to the broken jar, was in a state of slow motion. He wasn't even sure if he was breathing anymore, nor could he hear or see his surroundings. Only the leftovers of the vase were in his eyesight. He didn't even realise that tears were pouring down his cheeks. Trembling he reached out to save whatever he could. It was anyway wishful thinking, anyone in his rightful mind would have known.  
As he was protecting a small portion of the content, which originally was inside the vase within his both hands, suddenly a strong breeze blew inside and wiped it all away. Including what was being treasured inside his hands.  
It was the last cord which was barely keeping him up. He lost all his sanity. Behaving like a drunk, a maniac or a person who wasn't capable of swimming. Thrown in the middle of the wild sea, he tried to hold to reach out to whatever he could snatch back from the wind. 

As if the wind would let him do so!  
Taunting him, the breeze was dancing with the important content in a whirlwind of blissful joy right in front of him.  
His helpless screams and his movements weren't even human anymore, trying desperately to take just any amount back.  
As if the wind had enough of playing with him, with a strong gust it took his leave with the treasure towards its freedom outside. He tried to follow but slipped again and his chin crashed with the hard altar. 

He was left anew on the cold stone floor. 

Where ever the intruders who surprised him were, they already saw his maniac pitiful self breaking the vase and his hopeless attempts afterwards. 

His vision blurred, and he only looked up in front of him. A gaze straight at the statue's face, which judged him from above. The boy heard a shivering voice, one with the deepest sorrowful and tormented tone he probably would ever hear in his life.

“What have you done?”

His heart squeezed in pain and without being able to bear it anymore he passed out.


	2. A steady mess - Wonderland's desire

“HAH”

Felix shocked himself awake inside his dark room, sweating all over his body and with wet traces of tears on his cheeks. His left hand reach out to his neck, trembling he tried to control his breathing and heartbeat.  
Seeking the familiar comfort with his two fingers, his pulse next to his throat. 

The young adult's eyes uncontrollable searched his surroundings, still not able to come back to reality.  
Just as he was calming down a little, Felix screamed out loud in a high pitched voice.

Above his head, a pair of eyes were staring at him. He instinctively shoved the face away.

Another scream, reaching even higher tones. This time it wasn't Yongbok.  
It was the other one who had been pushed away. Hitting his head on the bunk bed, landing on the floor and being again shoved violently away with force through many hands and feet. 

Now even more screams joined inside the dark room. Forming almost a solfege of tones up and down, until it was just a cacophony of noises. 

Finally in the chaos's midst, stamps dominated the noises. Going towards the door, and Seungmin finally switched on the light.

“What the fuck are you all doing???”

The room was a pitiful scenery! 

Felix sitting up on his lower bunk bed, still hard breathing and trying to get any composure. His shrugged body and his fearful expression though were telling another story. 

Jisung ... well Jisung who – ONLY – only tried to help Felix, had embraced the ground.  
His feet in different strange positions up in the air, while his upper body was trying to support itself on Hyunjin's lap and the head buried somewhere inside the mess of pillows and blankets. Jisung's arms were stretched in front of him and on Jeongin's neck, almost like he tried to strangle the younger one. 

Jeongin who already pushed his sleeping mask on his forehead towards a matching purple Ryan the bear hairband, was still confused. The youngest averted his gaze to Jisung's hands and his face was getting darker and darker. 

Finally he snapped. Jeongin eagerly took one of Jisung's hands to his mouth and was heartily biting into the other's hand. 

Another scream – again Jisung.

Theatrically, Jeongin was faking a puke sound and furiously spat.  
”I knew it! I sooo fucking knew it!!! A 'sleepooover'. Let's do a sleepover! It will be fun. Fun, my ass. With you retards, I can be happy and say a THANK YOU if I barley survive. Every, EVERY fucking time!!!”

Seungmin who was sighing, had long lost the interest to follow the others. He only was deep in his thoughts, questioning all his life choices. From where did he took the wrong turn? Was it at the time they all agreed to get closer - be friends - and he didn't reply and kept silent? Was THAT the wrong turn? Why did he had to be stuck with these kinds of people? 

Hyunjin who first was patting Jisung to get him to move away from his body, finally couldn't bear it anymore and was shoving the other away. 

Han rolled graceless away, while forming a beautiful cocoon of blankets.  
He looked like a colorful caterpillar.

Hyunjin didn't want to start one of their usual bickerings, which could wake up the whole building. Determination was written on his face. He was done with this childish behavior. And while he shoved Jisung away, he placed himself in a graceful sitting position and he willful stated: 

“Seungmin was hugging me happily the whole time while we were sleeping!”

????

A frozen silence. 

Felix still dumbstruck, softly remarked: “Huh?!”

“Aaaaaahhhhhh” Jeongin cringed hard. He was holding his hands before his eyes and looked like he was trying to scratch them out. To just the fuck remove this image out of his head. To much information. Too much fucking information!!!

Larva Han wiggled with extreme force on the ground. A safe haven had been his cocoon - with no energy to get out. But right now he wanted so bad to transform into a butterfly at the speed of light. To fly the hell out of this place.

As for the moment, Seungmin was going through an out-of-his body experience while he was being punched into another galaxy. Unable to comment, his face blank. 

At last Hyunjin picked up the situation and his face dropped. 

“No, guys. No! This is not what should be important right now ...” 

'Damn it! I wanted to say: “This is not what I wanted to say.” But I said “This is not what should be important right now.” Again!!!  
Hyunjin, what are you doing?! Why are the words I speak out differently than the ones I originally wanted to say?! Oh my god, oh my god, this is so so embarrassing. Happily hugging?! Great one Hyunjin, great. Now perish from this world!!! Wush! Wush! PLEASE WUSH! Let me perish.'

Throughout his inner monologue, everyone who looked at him could easily hear what he was thinking due to his pure and sincere nature. Especially at his last sentece, he seemed to believe he could cast something as his hands swiped before his face. Right now Hyunjin's already had the color of a beautifully ripped tomato and made his already handsome face even more stunning.  
It really wouldn't matter if he would have eye bags under his eyes or even if his hair was filthy – the young adult would still have a breathtaking handsome appearance.  
The cutie was even too embarrassed to look up from his hands, which were already covering his face. He knew he would die if he even would spare a glace towards Seungmin.  
Hyunjin pitied the other one, himself, the universe! These were not the words which he had planned to say. He blurted something differently out than he wanted. Instead of cooling down the chaos, he fanned new heat to it. 

“Why did you throw yourself onto us?” Hyunjin asked Jisung in a tiny font voice, still deeply shaken by his embarrassment. He just wanted to change the topic. 

“Ha, Excuse me?!” Jisung popped his head out of his cocoon, profound shocked. The others couldn't see it, but his right hand move immediately to his heart - grabbing it. 

Felix rolled his eyes. He was more than aware as anyone about Jisung's theatrical behavior. The charming, handsome squirrel had such a passion, he could play a 'Madame Butterfy' as a 'Larva Han' on the ground without disappointing. Yongbok sighned, because sometimes it really was too much passion!

“Excuse me! As far as I know Seungmin was the one throwing himself onto you.” Jisung dryly pointed out. 

“You ...” Hyunjin's red head, more red than before was peaking out of his own hands to face Jisung.

“AAAAAHHHHH”  
Jeongin was twisting harder on the ground.  
A setting like he dearly wanted to reenact one of 'The Exorcist' s movies.

Jisung abruptly sensed a shiver down his spine. No, he really didn't have to look towards the door's direction.  
Nu uh, this was definitely Seungmin's deadly aura he felt.  
Skilled as he was, Jisung wiggled himself far away on the ground. Act II of his opera had started.

With a calm face and firm steps Seungmin was ready to kick this bastard into oblivion. 

“I had a nightmare.”


	3. A pit of jokes and noises - the bottomless words of a tranquil safe haven

Again there was silence. 

“Oh no. What happened?!” Jeongin already stepped over Jisung and was softly stroking Felix's head. 

“I don't know.” Yongbok said with his deep voice, which didn't match his face at all. 

This kind of voice wasn't even easily reached by men in their forties with an ambitious career of one bottle of Scottish whiskey, two packs of Marlboro menthol black and four fat Cuban cigars daily – starting from the age of eighteen. 

Which was exactly Felix's age, plus two years more and a handsome face looking a few years younger.  
Though it was more like a baby face with mesmerizing freckles, who could make even stars within the most beautiful constellations envious. Furthermore a face with a deep voice. People who met him first would easily get the idea to even ask him, if the film “The Boss Baby” was actually a documentary based on Felix's life.  
But these were just first impressions thoughts.  
That bossy infant's behavior getting his way as he pleased, wrapping everyone around his pinky finger and dreaming of world domination while shitting in his diapers - It was definitely not similar to his character. 

'It would match more with my older brother's personality or Seungmin's one.'

Yongbok was trailing away. He was getting easily distracted, hopping from one thing to the other. 

'Maybe it's a pattern typically shared in our family?! No Minho isn't getting distracted easily he just isn't interested most of the time.'  
“Cats are thousand times more innovative, efficient and cute while licking their asses than this fucker's own narcissistic self-written in every second licking his own ass political joke of a book.”'

Felix remembered the scene where Minho was smashing his own book on the ground. His brother had one of his rare outbursts and he could understand him. 

This professor of Minho was known for his narcissism. Every student of his class was being tested on the lector's self-written published book.  
And they had to write on their exams papers exactly the same huge amount of swallow and excessively used words as within his bestseller. 

There were a lot of students who took the exam, but hardly passed. The man also had a soft spot for his female students. He let them more easily pass through his class. It had absolutely nothing to do with him wanting to sleep with them – or rather there were no rumors the students heard of.  
Why female students were favored was something his brother told him once. Minho's professor was lenient with them because as he told a female student one day:  
“Miss Hong Ha Rin I really hope you will put more effort into it this time. As long as I see you try to understand what's being asked of you, then I will oversee some misinterpretation. Well, as long as the truth lies somewhere in them. So study my book well. Don't worry there are enough political jobs. It doesn't have to be a senator or ambassador.”  
He patted her right shoulder and passed her some handouts to distribute.  
Afterwards he looked at the whole class and added:  
“This goes to all of you. Just studying politics doesn't mean you will land on one of the higher up jobs. There are many positions of assistants, people in the background - great and honorable as well, to serve our country.”  
Smiling he looked at Hong Ha Rin, “Or you could just enjoy life and marry well. This is good enough.”

The poor girl was already trying her best to choke down her tears. Being humiliated like this, she felt the urge to die on the spot. She took her things and left the class.  
Minho was filled with a rage, hard to describe and he stood up and left as well.  
Going after Hong Ha Rin and trying to comfort her and pulling out all the bullshit this asshole was implying into her. There were two other students who also left bravely after Minho did.  
The four of them tried to fight against this bad teaching method, of crushing your dreams and misogynistic behavior.  
But though they complained even to their dean, nothing came out. The university told them they were too sensitive, and instead of having time to see a fault in every word the professor told them they should rather focus on their studies. To complain won't save them from taking the exam or making their grades better. Though they agreed they will look into the case and will ask the professor himself how his words were intended.

Felix recalled after that another one of Minho's rare outbursts, while he told him about the fruitless complain.  
Even though he didn't major in politics, Felix once read a page of this so called innovative political book. It was soon after Minho had thrown it away on the ground, having his ourtburst and leaving the room. Before his brother was leaving, he added at the door:  
“I will destroy this mans career. Mark my words. I.Will.make.a.female.senator.of.Hong.Ha.Rin. I will search for all of the female students this asshole ever offended and make this country - no this world politics ruled by women. And gays. Oh, and I will be the gayest of them all!!!!” 

Like a graceful dacing flower his brother poised himself outside the room.

Yes, the professor even voiced himself in a bad way on different sexualities, calling them a 'trend' pushed by the media.

Felix was aware of his brother's rare outbursts and his personality. Though Minho had really an outstanding mind. There was only a small line between genius and crazy, and he was the best example.  
He wasn't really crazy, like out of his mind. Minho was just so erratic.  
Sometimes people would categorize his brother's behavior as weird or that he has lost his mind. 

Minho was actually a person with few words. Only in his outbursts or few rare occassions he would converse more. He was a person who would rather act more than speak. And his so called 'weird behavior' always had a logical explanation within peoples false interpreted illogical acts about him.  
Thus Felix could only be in awe of this unpredictable genius mind - which was rarely understood - and the handsome out of this world appearance of his brother. 

Though a lot of times Yongbok couldn't understand some weird acts as well. They were left unrevealed.

He wasn't even sure after hearing Minho's speech, if his brother was coming out to him.  
Because sometimes Minho's words would be just words or they had another meaning or multiple meanings per word. 

This professor's book was one about clearing out fake news, biased media and showing the damage it did. Which was brainwashing society.  
And it had ideas of healing this so called society cancer and giving the power back to the common people.  
It was something like that, from what Felix understood.  
The book ranked as a current bestseller. Maintaining his spot for a long time. 

After reading a bit, Yongbok could easily figure out his brother didn't overreact at all. This book had only a huge amount of pretty words without coming to any real conclusion at all. A slap in the face for anyone who would prefer to think on their own and question things even a little. And a even greater punch for those who had an outstanding brilliant mind like his brother. Felix felt bitter, to think his genius brother had his brain going through this humiliation.

It was similar to reading eight pages about a character's way of eating an apple – but only in a way like the most people do. Not the way he tried once with Jisung. Or like the staring contest the actors of the telenovelas had, his mother sometimes watched. They deadass stared into each others eyes for minutes and then the episode would end. The new one would start with a recap of the previous episode then again a staring contest and a few small lines, a helicopter and evil twin – until the episode was over.  
How did Felix know of all this?! He sometimes watched a couple of them with Jisung.  
Telenovelas were quiete entertaining from time to time. It was similar to the professor's book. Nothing to learn from it.  
Or the book was like five pages of words filling a story in a dragging bad written way without coming to the point. Of someone for example telling the others about his nightmare. 

Right nightmare!

So anyway, though they had a few months ago already the discussion about who of the nine close friends would be similar to 'The Boss Baby's character. At that time the one who's name came up a lot was Jeongin.  
Mostly because Seungmin voiced his thesis with so much devotion, like he really was already out there in court.  
The image of his friend being finally a lawyer made Yongbok happy. He knew Minnie would be an outstanding one in the future. There was no one who could dislike him. A young adult with good manners, an intelligent mind and mind-blowing good-looks.

Back to the important topic:

Seungmin was almost prepared with a bar chart and power-point presentation which would prove why it only could be the youngest among them.  
He even had told a touching story, one of how he himself saw similarities with the protagonist and him being mistreated by 'The Boss Baby' aka Jeongin. 

Felix doubted this, because the younger one really was an angel!  
In appearance and in attitude. Only Jeongin's smile could heal any kind of disease!  
The high schooler was a huge gain for the entire world!

The others were looking at Felix while he was deep in his own world.  
With a frown between his browns, and him biting at the corner of his left bottom lip - an impression of a sulking or pouting kid. 

Another scream.  
Felix woke up from his own world and stared at the others. 

'How long was I gone?! Why is Seungmin pulling his pyjama bottoms up?!'

Right now Jisung laughed his ass off and Jeongin cared only about Felix. Seungmin looked like he had devoured a mouthful of the hottest chili and Hyunjin well ...  
Well Hyunjin had a face as red as it could only become from a mountain of eating the hottest chili.

They all at first were waiting for Lix to tell them about his nightmare, but soon after he still remained quiet they started bickering again. Or rather Jisung had a death wish.  
Until Seungmin was throwing himself at Jisung and tried to strangle him.  
Jeongin was kicking from time to time at anyone who came near the lower bunk bed, where he and Felix were sitting. It was hard to tell if he did it out of concern for Felix, or he did it out of joy or both. Because whenever Hyunjin was near, Jeongin never kicked at all!

Hyunjin really tried his best to intermediate between the other two fighting and as he reached out to separate them by pulling hard on Seungmin, he accidentlly pulled his pants down. 

Jeongin tried also his hardest, which was to comfort Felix.  
He constantly stroked his favorite friend's hair. “Shh, everything will be all right. I won't let you get hurt. It was just a nightmare, shhh.”

But Felix being Felix, in his 'little Lix's Wonderland', wasn't aware of what had happened inside the room. 

“So what was it about?” Jisung had been curious since ages ago.

“Yeah, what did you see that made you scream like that?” Hyunjin added.

“Jisung's face.”

“...”

“..”

“PFFFFFF HAAHAHAHAHA” 

Man, Seungmin felt a lot better now. Thank you karma.

“I know it's scary.” Jeongin admitted in a soft hushed childish whisper. He was playing with Felix's left hand fingers.

Seungmin tried his best to hold back his laughter, not that he cared to hold back to begin with. But he wanted to get to the core of all this chaos and finally get the sleep he deserved!

After realizing he spoke absentminded and not wanting to go through another excessive Han drama '101 ways of fake hurtful expressions' episode - when he really wasn't hurt at all:

Felix added quick “I mean I saw him staring at me after waking up from the nightmare, that's why.”

“Creeeeep.”

“...”

“Scary stalker. I know the law. Don't worry Lix, I have a way to safe you.”

???

“EXCUSE ME???”

“Isn't this why you started studying law, to get away with murder.”

“Yes, Jeongin, you will be the first victim. AND then I'm coming after Jisung.”

“HEY!!!”

“But what was the dream ABOUT???” Hyunjin erupted. He really couldn't hold back anymore.

Finally after sharing his dream and confusion, while the others attentive where listening to him, he reached the end of his story.

“And then before passing out ... I saw a kind of, I don't know dog figure ... and heard a voice saying: "What have you done?”" 

Felix added an extra notch of deepness into his voice for the last sentence.  
Making his story eerier. 

“But the funny thing is, I recognized the voice.” 

“Oh, who was it?” Jisung asked

“Changbin.” 

But instead of being surprised they all had a 'Naturally, there had to be Changbin in the story' face.  
Especially Jisung had an additional 'Why did I ever ask' expression.

“What????”

“You really talk about him a lot. So it was not a surprise.” Hyunjin answered him.

???

“You are a hopeless case.” short, without mercy and coming straight to the point - Seungmin.

“...”

“If you like to talk about him, I'll support you. But don't let him hurt you in your dreams.” Of course this was Jeongin.  
No one was allowed to mess with one of his five favorite persons.  
Well, Ryan the bear wasn't actually a person and Hyunjin lost a bit of favor today.  
After treating him to somewhere and something nice, the possibility of Hyunjin getting back fully on his spot was guaranteed. 

“What??? Th- that's not true! I, I was just dreaming. I had a nightmare. We ALL are his friends. I admire him a lot. He is a good mate.” Felix was shocked about the others implying something without any basis. He almost chocked, while babbling with his Australian accent. 

“Aaaanyways. We are really only friends. More like Seoul-Mates. If you get it. SeOOUUL-MATES.” he wiggled his browns and laughed. 

Yeah, they were all getting him. To show him how much they liked his joke, his audience showered him fast with their answer.  
They were all throwing nearby pillows at him. While being hit by them, the blond was surprised about the amount of pillows they had in the room. Almost trailing away to the day they bought some of the pillows.  
Jeongin donated naturally as well a pillow. In fact he liked Felix joke so much, he even threw two at him. 

After all of them played with the pillows for a while, Jisung was standing abruptly up.

Still a little red, and lightly puffing out of his captivating cute cheeks.

“Guys, the dream. I get it. I really do! The conclusion is: Changbin is a dog.”

????

“No?!” Felix didn't even desire to know from where Jisung got this kind of dumb conclusion. 

“You are biased Lix, let him talk.” If Jeongin had lost his sleep, he was thinking at least he deserved to have some more fun.

It didn't take Seungmin long to take his chance as well. 

“This is genuinely plausible. I really think you kind of had a foresight. You are perhaps a psychic.”

“I don't think so.”  
Hyunjin on the other side, was already done with their shit and was scrolling through his Instagram account. 

“Why not trying to prove this?” Jeongin cutely smiled in Jisung's direction. 

A smile endearing on his beautiful face, but as well mischievous.

“Oh what a great idea.”  
The other was lighting immediately up. 

“Changbin is not a dog!!!” Felix tried again to reason, but was merciless ignored.

Hyunjin winked him over to his comfy newly built sleeping place. Inside the huge light blue blanket, Felix snugged up to the taller one and stretched himself like a kitten before closing his eyes. He needed sleep. He really was trying to get some sleep.  
Cuddling was always a huge help for Felix to relax, especially when he was tired.

After this terrible dream he was so exhausted. Even if he was afraid to dream again, Lix couldn't keep his eyes open. 

Satisfied with a few more words on Changbin's behalf and a simple plan to prove their thesis - more a joke than a serious matter - the rest also followed Hyunjin and Felix. No one was sleeping on the bunk beds that night. 

All of them were nestled next to each other on the floor. A peaceful smile was on Yongbok's face while sleeping.

For him hugging someone while sleeping might have been the best therapy to get rid of nightmares.


	4. The perfect god in white

Soft knocking sounds made Felix to wake up.  
He looked around and realized it probably was still in the middle of the night.  
It was suffocating inside the room. Well, no wonder. Five people had been sleeping and playing in that small place. A sleepover makes it stuffy. And October's nights were dark. Felix and Jisung also always preferred to lower their blinds, as they didn't want the sun to disturb them too early. The boy couldn't see anything in the room.

Felix had to be more careful and silent, if he wanted to open the window and get some fresh air.  
Lix moved his body and started to get up.

'Huh?!'  
Odd. Maybe someone was lying on top of him - he couldn't get up. Still in a drowsy condition he tried to concentrate more. With his small hands he was rubbing the sleep from his eyes.  
Suddenly in terror uncontrollable Felix's whole body started to shake.

'No, NO, NO, NO! Please no. Let it be a dream again. Please.'  
His anxiety was on its highest level. Felix's pulse quickened and his breath was short.

'I can't breathe. I'm dying.'

Felix wasn't in his room. And no one was lying on him. The Australian realized quickly he was inside a coffin, after groping around.  
The boy panicked even more. Ultimate horror struck him to his bones.

Felix was gasping for even one breath, to ease his sorrow lungs - he felt nauseous and dizzy.  
Crying hard while slapping above him.  
Lix pushed, cried for help and knocked - hoping someone would hear him.

He even tore the soft interior of his coffin apart until his bloody fingers were scratching without a break on the hard substance behind it.  
This went on for a while until his lungs collapsed and he blacked out.

Knock, knock. Knock, knock.

Soft knocking sounds filled again the surroundings.

Knock, knock

This time they were a little louder.

Knock, knock

Felix woke up.  
He was in a poor condition, a daze and it took him quite a while to realize where he was.  
The knocking sounds didn't stop.  
Confuses, wanting to get up and still not being able to recognize his blurry surroundings.

Shocked, his heart started to beat even faster than it already did.  
He couldn't get up. Panic filled his body and heart. Shaking he looked down at his body and saw a figure on top of him.  
Eyes closed, he started to control his breathing.  
Felix opened the safe place inside his head he had built for such situations, and focused on his respiration.  
Slowly breathing in and out.  
Though the noises from outside the door were still there, they couldn't reach him at the moment.  
After a couple of breaths he opened his eyes calmly. 

Locking down he saw Jisung hugging his body, with half of his body lying on top of the blonde. 

'Ok. Everything's cool. You got this Felix... Why didn't nobody wake up from the sounds?!'

A new disturbing thought crossed his mind.  
'Is it just me, hearing the knocks?!'

Fear filled him again. He shook his head.  
'No Felix! You got this!!! Everything is fine. I'm safe. I'm good.'

Again looking down at Jisung, he smiled.  
Gentle and with great affection, he caressed the other's head a couple of times.  
Letting out a sigh, Felix carefully moved Han away to open the door.

The rest of them were really in a deep slumber. They overdid it this time! Staying up almost the whole night. 

On the other side of the door a breathtaking handsome guy was waiting.  
Like a god he had an alluring beaming smile on his face.  
Of course this was Kim Woojin. 

“Hey Lix. I'm sorry, did I wake you up?! What's wrong? You look awful. Are you sick?”  
Scanning his face Woojin was even more concerned. His smile faded.

“I'm just tired. Everything is ok. We stayed up for too long.”

The truth was he was more than tired. Felix's whole body ached, his mental condition wasn't good either and he felt like shit.

“You guys shouldn't have slept that long. Now you won't have enough time for breakfast. Buuut I'm fixing it.”  
Woojin's bright smile returned and with a cute laugh he was holding the bag in his hands higher. 

“I brought you all your favorite breakfast.” Woojin cheerfully said while stepping inside the room.  
Just a glimpse at the bag and Felix was energized. 

“Woojin you are the best! I love you!”

Woojin laughed lightly and moved to the small kitchen corner of the room.  
Felix closed the door and almost hopped the whole way happily towards the kitchen.  
He didn't need to look inside the bag.  
Inside were their favorite beef and vegetable porridge as well Korean chicken congnee.  
The food came from the place all nine of them loved the most, a few blocks away. 

Felix was filled with a healthy appetite and he stared at Woojin with eyes full of love, while the older one was unpacking the steamy dishes. 

Woojin sensed the gaze of the younger one on him and without looking up he snickered.

“Felix please wake up the others. You all will be late.”

“No need. They are already up.” 

It was true.  
Not Woojin's knocks - though they weren't really that loud - nor him entering the room could wake the sleepyheads up.  
But as soon as the delicious smell entered their nostrils, they instinctively opened their eyes.  
After a short while the kitchen was filled with happy munching sounds and laughing. 

Woojin was enjoying the sight of the younger ones heartily eating. 

“I really don't know why you aren't taken yet. The lucky one who gets such a perfect boyfriend.”  
Hyunjin sighed in remorse, a spoonful of chicken congnee in his right hand. 

“Is this an offer, Hwang Hyunjin?!”

“Who knows? You're just a way too good catch. If I get a chance, I might try it out."

“Wait. There is a possibility of an offer?! I want to offer myself too.”  
Felix head shoot up from his beef bowl. 

“Mmhe tshwoo”  
Jisung determinate hit his left hand on the counter, while speaking through his adorable porridge stuffed cheeks. 

The clear and heartwarming laughter of Woojin filled the kitchen again.

“No, no, no. You bitches aren't - “  
Jeongin was alarmed.  
But soon the young one was interrupted by a light cough of Woojin.  
This was a disapproving sign of his behavior. And in 99% it was because of Jeongin's bad language.  
Quick Jeongin corrected himself.

“You as-… You dummies aren't good enough for him. He is MY brother.”

With a stunning eye-smile, Jeongin satisfied radiated one of his captivating grin towards Woojin.  
The older one sighed and chuckled while giving Jeongin the bright smile he was waiting for.

“Excuse me, but he isn't ONLY your brother. But I approve brother. We can't let you off so easily.”  
Seungmin nonchalant added.  
Woojin's heart was so full after hearing his younger siblings praising him. Only the three of them were left and their bond was deep and blessed with love and affection. 

Jisung was eyeing him secretly. He really was a good catch.  
The confident music production freshman knew Woojin had a lot of admirers, female and male ones.  
The looks of a god and the perfect boyfriend personality hallow. Jisung also knew Woojin was called the ultimate god in white among the whole campus.  
He was so popular around the campus that not only the ones in his own medicine major sighed for him, a lot of the other students in different majors daydreamed about him as well.  
Jisung understood they weren't exaggerating at all. 

“Jeongin, did you finish?! Now go wash up quickly. You don't want to be late, right?!”  
To be frank, Jeongin didn't care at all. But he loved every day's way to school, because he could spend time with Woojin. 

“O-kay, lets go.” He cheerfully chirped. 

“Seungmin, don't you think you dawdled away too much?! You have an exam today, right?!”

“Mhm.”  
The cute puppy was already on his feet. 

“And you guys?!”

“Yep.”

“Yap.”

Hyunjin had already finished his meal and was almost out of the door. The drama major was a responsible and passionate student. 

Except for Jeongin who was in his last year of high school and Woojin who was a senior student, the others were only freshmen.  
And they just had started their college life.  
Of course, they all had early classes.  
Woojin sent Jeongin ahead to his car and before he left, he looked at the Twinnies. 

“Jisung please tell Chan he should pick me up at nine not seven. I have some later classes and I might not answering my phone. Thank you. Study hard boys.”

Though Changbin and Chan were seniors, they shared Jisung class of electronic production with him, which they had every Friday. 

In the hallway on their way out the two started chatting again.

"Woojin and Chan will probably go to the freshman party tonight."

"Yeah. Sungie, we should be careful tonight."

"Right. And Changbin will show up too."

"Oh."

"You didn't know he was coming?!"

"No."

"What about your brother?"

A dishearten sigh left Felix pouting face. 

"Whaaat?! The fuck. 'R you serious?!"

"As soon as he heard I was going, I couldn't convince him otherwise."

"Great. I thought college life would finally let us experience all the great stuff. To get drunk, stoned, getting laid, et cetera."  
Jisung fumed. This isn't fair at all. 

"Perhaps he wouldn't interfere that much." Felix still had some hope left.

"Please we are talking about your brother. He would kill everyone near you. And as your best friend I'm always taking the fall too."  
The energetic boy already imagined Minho in front of him, telling him for the ten thousand time, to not drag Felix into trouble.  
As if he needed to convince Lix for some fun. They both practically shared the same brain!

"I'm sorry."

"Nah, it's ok. I just pity us. We are such losers Felix. I bet even Jeongin has more experience than us. And that's really a goal, knowing his brothers."

"Yeah."

Both of them were heavy sighing.  
Gloomy they both left the student's dormitory building.  
The music production faculty and the film production where right next to each other. 

They waddled hand in hand.  
Lambs - already prepared to meet their butcher tonight, until they hugged and parted ways.


	5. The path ahead, we hold hands

"Are you sure about this?!" 

"YES!!! Don't you think it will look fabulous on us?!"

Felix and Jisung were squatting down in their shared room.

"I don't know Jiji. The things we sometimes do – a lot of times do – don't end up well."

"Come on, have some confident in us. Besides, we won't know unless we won't try it out.”

That's true. They loved to try out new things, especially fun stuff.  
The two often got into a certain stage of excitement, not planning things through.  
Jiji and Lix even hurt themselves eating apples once, because they were too playful and overexcited.  
Furthermore, both of them found deep pleasure in hyping others up.  
Above all - each other, because they consider their bond and understanding for the other one as deep as only soulmates could get to.  
In a forest full of fir trees, the blonde one would easily recognize the tree which had been chosen by the hazelnut hair colored boy as his favorite one and vice versa.  
Without a second or uncertain thought. Their relationship went far beyond words to speak out loud. The boys grasped each notch and every corner of the other's personality.  
Nevertheless, Jisung and Felix were individual characters and hence would often disagree with the other's decisions or behavior.  
However, not agreeing does not exclude respecting and understanding.

“I don't know man. I remember the scissors accident, the last time we tried something like that. I still think we sh-”

“Yeah, yeah. But we don't have that much time today. It's just trying out. Besides, if we like it we go to a pro the next time. Let's go.”  
Jisung had already taken the items from the floor and was pushing Felix inside the room. 

An hour later, they heard knocks on their door. 

After picking Jeongin up from home, both attended Hyunjins room to head out.  
The youngest was still delighted on their way to Felix and Jisung's room.  
Understandable, as it wasn't that common for a high schooler to join an university freshman party.

“You better behave. I didn't coax to get to my party tonight for nothing.”  
And he was already hopping his way happily ahead, leaving the other two far behind.

“Uhm, before we go inside I want to ask you something.”  
“Yes?!”  
“The things you said the other day … I mean, what exactly was the intention?! Don't get me wrong, it's not because I'm mad at you or something. I also really don't care what other people think if hearing those words. I'm only interested in understanding you. I was just confused and surprised I guess?”

“Oh.”

There was a silence between both. It wasn't an awkward silence. Or one because the taller one didn't get what the younger one was speaking or because of being ashamed or offended.  
“Actually, I was confused myself? I mean at first I was surprised by my words as well. But after reflecting for a while, I discovered I did it out of the feeling of missing you.”  
The younger one was silent. He wanted to give his friend enough room and time to form his words. 

“I kind of missed our late night talks. Oh, I don't want to make you feel guilty. I don't want to imply anything like that. I guess I'm just stressed and your words are always comforting me and giving me strength. Oh god, I feel like a terrible friend dragging you with my problems. I don't want to ruin the mood. Let's just forget what I said and enjoy tonight. We are anyway already here.”

The taller boy's words were sincere but filled with insecure. Unable to look into the other's eyes. He seemed to have pent up a lot of anxiety and Seungmin could feel that. 

After a small silence period, which made Hyunjin a little uncomfortable, the drama student sighed and put his right hand on the door handle to open it. Jeongin was already inside the room.  
Jinnie was stopped. Seungmin was holding his wrist. 

“You didn't ruin or imply anything. I also don't feel dragged into your problems. You know I'm always willing to listen to you?! Furthermore isn't this what friends are for?! To split the burden and making the road in front of us easier?! You are an important friend. That's why I want to know everything that's happening in your life. The good and the bad stuff. Especially, the bad. For me a friendship with you guys is actual healing. It doesn't matter if you guys are in a good or bad place. As long as we have us, I believe we always will be happy. I will never feel tired or irritated listening to you, because we walk this road hand in hand together. I want to walk this way like that. I'm just surprised you didn't talk to me earlier.”  
Hyunjin's eyes were fixed on the floor. 

“Sorry. I just didn't want to burden you with my shit.“

“You will never do. It isn't true. So, please don't let go of my hand.”

Hyunjin lifted his head up and smiled at the other.  
A genuinely “Thank you a lot. I feel already better.”  
“How about we ditch 'bestie-swap-month' today and return to our room to talk?!” 

Hyunjin paused, biting down on his bottom lip. He thought about Seungmin's words for a while. 

“No, let's not make the others worry.”

“It's just a party and there are more to come. Besides, the others would understand it anyway. Also, we can just reschedule 'bestie-swap-month' onto another month.”

“I'm glad to take this offer but how about starting tomorrow?! Let me have this evening and try to forget my stress for a while until I can burden you with my problems again.”

“'Burden Seungmin with my problems' - is a phrase we are deleting from now on! There isn't anything like that anymore. Promise me. I will really get upset if you continue to think like that.”  
Minnie was putting on an act of anger while letting Hyunjin's hand go.

“Ok, ok. I promise.”  
The other snickered more at ease now.  
“Great I can't wait to pour aaall my problems onto you as well!”  
“And I'm looking forward to it.”  
Lighter at heart, both of them entered the room.

“Oh my god, Hyunjin! You look stunning.” Felix exclaimed.  
“All of you are looking so handsome.”  
“True. Mayhaps I'm this close on dating you all.” Jisung wiggled his brows while showing with his index finger and thump a tiny distance between them.  
“Who said you are allowed to?” Seungmin countered.  
“You guys look great as well. Oh my god I'm so in love with your new hair colors.” Hyunjin was looking at Felix's and Jisung's direction.  
It was true, all of them were incredible handsome especially today. Maybe it was because they all could finally relax from a stressful week of hard work and energy-sapping lessons.  
They didn't have the time or interest to keep up with the latest fashion. However, with all their individual styles of simplicity clothes, their handsomeness was standing out even more.  
Hyunjin was wearing simple dark blue colored jeans, black sneakers, a white T-shirt and a black soft leather jacket above it.  
His black hair had a length a little longer than his friends and a mullet in the back. 

Seungmin's russet one color Burberry trench coat was plain and timeless elegant. The dark brown piece was lined with walnut color lambs wool and had an adorable big collar attached to it. Underneath he was wearing a pair of blue stonewashed jeans and an oversized rusty colored turtleneck pullover, accompanied with dark brown Timberlands.

Jeongin's white padded long jacket was wide open and a light yellow oversized hoodie under a long boyfriend jeans overall was peaking through. He was still standing, not wanting to lose more time too excited for their activity later. 

“I think I want to dye my hair now too. Perhaps a cherry color?!”  
“That would look awesome Minnie.”  
Hyunjin liked his idea.  
“You'll get bald soon.”  
“Who is having a shrine of pink hair color pictures at home?!”  
“And I will dye my hair right after enrolling into university. New me won't spare a glance towards you.”  
“Nah, you will be overjoyed to finally pest over your brother again. Aren't you asking Felix the whole time about his meals?!”  
“Woojin is worried, that's why. Can we go now?!”  
The room was filled with the boys laughing and bickering. 

Seungmin knew his brothers well.  
A few years ago meal times were similar to peppers. You wake up one day discovering they are actually fruits, but you just let it pass for the peace of your mind and still act like they are your favorite vegetables.  
While Minnie was still living under the same roof as his two brothers he had one day discovered that his plate was magically being filled up, though he had already eaten from it.  
At first he didn't see the flawless secret food operation. It was because he got distracted by either chatting or focusing on something other than his plate.  
However Seungmin's Spidey senses were sharp, and he started to pay more attention to this matter.  
The culprit couldn't act slick anymore and had been discovered. It ended up with Seungmin and Jeongin openly putting food to each other's plates, just to see the other one eat more than themselves.  
Naturally they denied this and behaved like they wouldn't do or see anything.  
Woojin saw and ignored it too, as he was anyway happy filling his younger siblings plates from the beginning with an extra portion.  
Back then, it was a sensitive time for the brothers. Their parents died in a car accident while Jeongin was still in his second year of elementary school. As it couldn't even get worse, it happened exactly on the youngest boy's birthday. 

The incident affected not only their mental health, Seungmin was losing his appetite and stopped eating for days. Luckily his brothers were persistent and prevented him developing a serious eating disorder.  
However, without the boys supporting each other and the few relatives they still had, who constantly were looking out for them, they wouldn't make the good process they did until today.  
Woojin especially, though still a minor was the foundation holding them together. He voluntary took the responsibility to raise his other siblings while growing up at the same time.  
Seungmin and Jeongin tried to help ease Woojin's burden as much as they could with being humble and studying hard.  
Even so, their older brother would still spoil them at each opportunity he would get with the happiest smile on his face.  
That's why the younger ones were the most concerned about Woojin.  
He never asked for anything but was constantly sharing, while being a top student and responsible caring older brother.  
Seungmin was afraid that one day he would shatter to pieces. Into hundreds of beautiful translucent ones, flying away out of their sights.  
A fear pushing Jeongin and Seungmin to do their ultimate possible.  
The saying of time heals all wounds, was totally bullshit. Time was only passing by. It couldn't fill the big black hole that was left inside each of them. The only thing that really helped was to spend the time with their loved ones help as to cauterize the gaping wound.  
Though it might get mended over time, the scars remain.  
A numbness occurred within the boys. The empty space remained, as a filler for the piece that was ripped out. 

The only way was to take one step after another and cherishing the memories they had. Tripping, falling and sometimes taking a breath lying on the ground.  
But afterwards they would still stand up and would reach out to the others hands who were patiently waiting for them.  
Because this was the only way to move forward.  
Walking in their own pace, hand in hand, the path ahead.


	6. Reaching out, touching nearby stars

The first thing Jisung saw, after arriving at the local restaurant where the party was being held, was Lee Minho. The handsome older Lee sibling had an intense and serious conversation with one of his classmate. The latter one was having a sorrowful expression on his face while listening to the former one.  
Jisung was irritated, annoyed already with Lee Minho. 

“Great, I told you your brother is trying to ruin today's party.”

“What are you talking about?” Seungmin asked him. 

“What I'm talking about?! Minho is here to control every step we make. To take the fun out of this evening and disturb me whenever I try to enjoy myself.”

“Again, what the fuck are you talking about?! There were countless times in the past where you were enjoying yourself quite a lot, and he didn't give a fuck.” Seungmin was rolling his eyes, annoyed about the overreaction of his friend. 

“True. He even carried you home once, after you passed out.” Hyunjin remarked.

“I said what I said.” And he went already straight ahead over to Minho. 

Jiji loved to act silly, or put on an act to entertain others and himself. But he wasn't a chaotic silly boy, he just liked to exaggerate. However, his words and acts were purely based on having fun and to make people around him laugh, cheering them up or loosing up a tense atmosphere. There is more to a person then just the surface impression of an outgoing side. Jisung was actually more of a shut in. Producing and writing music, or watching dramas, or reading books were his favorite activities. His mind was a clever one, as he had a curious nature while he tried to enrichment his knowledge and broaden his horizon by any chance he would get. But, after meeting his friends he loved to make the most of their shared moments together. The boy was one you could tell to make new friends easily. Still, he was very selective on deepening bonds with the ones he trusted. Jisung didn't care if Minho was right now here, furthermore he enjoyed the company of all of his friends a lot. The music production student knew the taller one would never interfere or disrespect him in any kind of way. He just liked to tease him a lot. And maybe also because a particular event flashed through his mind as he forcefully shrugged it off. 

“So you are here to watch over us?”

“Nice hairstyle both of you.”  
Minho instead of answering was already messing up with Jisung new dark blue hair.

“No, get your fucking hands away.”

With a light laugh the older Lee was moving his attention to his brother.  
“I'm leaving. Perhaps, I'll stop by later. Anyway call me if something is off.”  
He patted Felix's shoulder and was already out the door.

“Where are you going?”  
Lix wanted to ask this question, however Jisung was faster.

“To a club.”

“I thought we all would spend tonight's party together.”  
Again a confused and disappointed Jisung was speaking his friends thoughts out aloud.

“Well, change of plans. Binnie had been called out earlier by a girl, and somehow landed after having dinner at a club. As his ass can't stand it being alone over there he asked me to join him.”

“Is my brother there too?!” Jeongin asked.

“I don't think so. Woojin and Chan said they have to help someone with I don't know what today.”

“Great, so to a club we go.” the younger one chirped in excitement.

“Great, so to bed we go.” Seungmin pulled his brother by his jacket with his right hand towards the door.

“Oh my god. I was joking. I WAS FUCKING JOKING. I don't wanna go. Woojin allowed this. SEUNGMIN.” Jeongin cried out. 

“Helping someone, a club … Let's just stop seeing each other guys.”  
Jisung was pouting as he glared at the older Lee. 

Minho was as well focused, but on his watch.  
“I'm off.”  
And off he was. 

“Well let's go inside. We are still waiting like idiots in the entrance hall.” Hyunjin deeply sighed.

The rest of them, including Jeongin, were heading inside the restaurant.  
A separate big room in the backstage was filled with students, sitting happily in front of them many delicious dishes and cold drinks.  
Soon the group mingled with the other freshmen and carefree enjoyed their evening.  
Seungmin's phone buzzed. 

“Oh, excuse me. I'm right back.” 

He just had been in a conversation with a lovely girl from his class. 

The young woman was looking rather curious back at Minnie as he was leaving. 

“Say, Hyunjin was it right?! So, do you know if Seungmin has a girlfriend?”

Jeongin who was the center of attention - like it always occurred - overheard her question while being chatted up next to them by a group of students. 

“Yeah, he has a girlfriend. Probably she called just now.” he smiled at the young woman who seemed to be interested in his brother.

“Oh, I see.” she expressed a little disappointed.  
“What about you Hyunjin?” Her face lit up again.

“I'm -”

“He is going out with me!” Jisung was putting his arm proudly around Hyunjin's shoulders.

The nearby people started to laugh.  
Jinnie was rather thankful. He didn't dislike girls, he was a really thoughtful gentlemen towards women.  
However, the tall young student was a shy boy and a little afraid of the opposite sex. But the main reason was because he was gay. His friend sensed he was feeling uncomfortable and helped him right away. 

Felix enjoyed the evening. He was happy there weren't a lot of seniors trying to force him and his friends to drink with them. The freckled boy smiled. He was aware it had something to do with his brother and from the bottom of his heart he was thankful.  
The group had been to some parties together in the past, but he and Jisung repelled alcohol a lot.  
Jeongin had once a cherry liqueur incident, and since then Innie hated alcohol as well sincerely.

A few hours later, Felix excused himself and left the conversation he had been involved. With an assurance gesture towards his friends he left the restaurant without his jacket.  
Finally, he deeply sighed and sat on a bench nearby a park vis-à-vis of the restaurant. The freckled boy closed his eyes and took deep breaths. His lungs were filled with the chilly night air and he felt relieved.  
Lix was almost falling asleep inside there. Not being able to sleep well these past days and his college stress were tearing down on his energy. 

“Ah, the air is nice.”  
Yongbok had almost jumped up to his feet, as he felt a head leaning on his shoulder.  
But after hearing the raspy deep voice his heart calmed down. Now he was leaning his head onto the other's and answered. 

“Hm, it really is.”

“Why are you sitting out here alone?”

“I'm a bit tired and just needed some fresh air.”

A period of pleasant silent was passing between them. 

“Do you want me to bring you to your room?” 

The young man next to him was sitting up.  
Felix laughed and snuggled up to the other, still eyes closed.

“No. I'll leave soon don't worry. Besides, do you want them to tease us for days. About our 'relationship' again?!”

“Whatever. Doesn't a good friendship come with almost the same commitment like a relationship?!” the dark black snorted. 

“True, what a smart boyfriend I have.”  
Lix was now embracing the tiny shorter boy like a Koala. With even one leg over his friend.

“Let's not go overboard now.”  
Changbin was flicking the Australian's forehead.

“Speaking of, how was your date?”  
The Koala still not letting go of his prey asked with a cheerful voice.

“It wasn't a date. But, it was ok I guess?!”

“I see. Do I know her?” 

“No. She is a new acquaintance. Chris introduced us last time.”

“Is she nice?”

“Yes.”

“Then why not trying to go out with her?! You didn't have a girlfriend since high school.”

“Now look who is giving me a love advice.” Binnie laughed.

“Fuck you. There are a lot of girls and boys I could go out with - if I want to.”  
Felix was shooting up his head and with a small pout on his lips he was looking into the other's eyes.

“Yes, aren't you a great one Yongbokie.”  
Binnie was softly patting the younger's head.

“Light purple really suits you. But you should have taken care of the color behind your ears as well.”  
The older boy was heartily laughing while pulling lightly at the left ear of the plum color hair freshmen. 

“Well, I knew something had to happen.”  
Felix was feeling heat spreading up his face and ears.

“No it isn't a lot. And kind of charming, like your cute freckles. Bright beautiful stars.”  
With a hushed and soft voice, Changbin watched Felix and lightly brushed his right index finger over Lix's nose and down his cheek.

The Australian was sure he now looked like a tomato.  
Moreover, his freckles might really light up as stars on his face thanks to the electricity of Changbin's touch he sensed now in every cell of his body.  
He wasn't one who could easily get used to receive compliments either.  
No matter how often he would hear something nice about him, he couldn't accustom to these kind of words.

Exaggerate barfing sounds disturbed the two on the bench. 

“The fuck stop this PDA. Minho bring me acid. I want to pour it first over you and then clean my eyes out.”  
It was Jisung who looked at them from the other side of the street. 

“I pass. Die on your own.” 

“Shut it. You still have to take responsibility for my first kiss.”

“What?”

“Don't play dumb. This was now the second time.”

“You kissed Jisung?” Felix asked his brother. 

“Twice.” Changbin added.

“No. When did I ever?!”

“Screw you! Let's go back inside Lix or let's go back home.”

However, after looking over to Changbin a mischievous smile was placed on his face and the bad mood disappeared.  
Jisung put his hands into his jeans pockets until he found what he was searching for.

“Binnie catch.”

Changbin had skillfully caught what had been thrown at him. As he opened his palm, he saw a chocolate candy in it. 

“What a good boy. Who is a good doggy?! Yes, you are a good doggy.”  
Joyfully hopping over, Jisung was already at Changbin's side patting his head.  
“Oh my god Felix, he is so cute. Can we keep him?!”

“...”

“You wanna die?!” Binnie asked him apathetic.

“Please. Besides, Felix was dreaming of you being a dog. We others just came up with this plan to prove it. Man, you don't know how good it feels now telling you this straight to your face and not behind your back. What a successful plan. ”  
With an innocent relieved expression Jisung relaxed. 

Changbin was side glancing at Felix.  
“You had a dream of me being a dog?”

“I- … No. It wasn't like that.”

“Lixie, it is what it is.”  
Like a cute squirrel reaching out for an acorn he wanted to pat his handsome friend again.

Changbin stood up. 

“Minho save me! Don't run back inside! You dick, own me – twice.”  
Jisung was now almost back in front of the restaurant.

Felix was about to follow them, still curious what Jisung was talking about.

“What was it about?”

“Huh?!”

“The dream.”

“Ah. Rather a stupid nightmare, nothing more.”

Both of them went back to join their friends.  
Changbin was quiet. He knew the freckled boy would start soon to tell him about his nightmare.  
After sharing his story in a quick summary, Binnie let out a sigh and comforted the other. Told him not to worry about it anymore, as it was only a nightmare.

A short while later the group of friends declined the energetic offer of some freshmen to go to a karaoke bar or club next - to Jeongin's disappointment.  
But, this sentiment was fast passing by as he was happily holding his ice cream they bought from a nearby convenience store on their way home. 

It was now past 3 AM and after brushing their teeth, Felix was hugging his huge Ryan teddy bear in his bed. It was a birthday gift from Jeongin.

“Sungie?!”

“Mhm?!”

“Are you already sleeping?!”

“Yes.”

“...”

“What was that about Minho's responsibility?”

“You know what I meant Felix. You were there.”

“What? I was?!”

“How could you forget about it?!”  
Now Jisung was popping his head from the upper bed down to look at Felix.

Lix had almost kicked him flying to kiss the ceiling instead. 

“Jisung!!! Stop doing these things. I almost got a heart stroke.”

On his way down, Jiji was rolling his eyes.  
“Then move and let me reminding you good-for-nothing friend.”

The dices were passed to Lix who rolled his eyes as well while opening his blanket and shared some room for his best friend.  
After RyanLix - as Jeongin called the teddy bear - was being shoved by Jisung to the floor, both of them were cramping inside one bed.  
Though it wasn't uncomfortable as they had enough room to cuddle with each other. 

“Your brother stole my first kiss, twice.”

“Minho kissed you?! Why didn't you tell me?!” 

Felix was shocked.


	7. preserving what was lost

Felix was shocked.

“How can you even forget what had happened a few years ago?!”  
With a small pout and a disappointed tone in his voice he stared at the one next to him. 

The Australian was now deep in his thoughts, finally the frown on his face disappeared and his expression lit up.  
“Jisung, that's not the way to use this phrase.”

“Which one?”

“For Minho to take responsibility for your first kiss.”

“Twice.”

“Oh my fucking god Jisung, yes twice! If you mean the 'first kiss' a few years ago – then it's not how you use this phrase. I don't even have any idea when, or what that second time was. But, if you mean my brother kissed you twice, and you didn't tell me about it until now, well that's another story then.”  
The freckled boy felt really frustrated and confused about his best friend's words.

Tucked into Lix's warm bed and facing each other Jisung paused before explaining:  
“Felix, I'm gay.”

With a click sound the door opened, and the two stepped inside their room. 

“Did you forget the light again?”

“No.”

“It's me. I'm here.”

Chan was beaming with an adorable smile full of dimples. 

“Where have you been?!”  
Changbin was almost on his lap, hugging him tightly. 

“Disgusting.”  
That's what Minho said, but he was already on top of Changbin and pushing him further down onto Chan who was now forced to lay on his back, on the bed. 

Aching in pain to tolerate two bodies on top of him.  
“Please, can we for once greet each other ordinary? Like with words?!”  
Still Chris wasn't pushing the others away. 

“Sure.”  
Minho was now putting even more weight onto his upper body to press Binnie down. 

“Aaaahhh Minho please.”

“Didn't you ask last time for more affection?!”

“Ye-s, but can you aaahhh pleas-e love me for now less!!!”

“Boring. Baby Changbin should make up his mind.”  
By now the politics student was again up on his feet.

Binnie rolled almost lifeless to Chris side.  
“Baby Changbin wants tender affection, not to crush him!”  
He was holding his right wrist and slowly rotated it.  
"Ah, I think I twisted it."

Sulking with his perfect cute lips and a small frown on his face, he really looked like an adorable Baby.  
The first impression most people would have of Seo Changbin was a biased one, based on his looks.  
Most of the time he had an expressionless serious face and his handsome manly aura often gave off a feeling of an intimidating authority.  
He was often labeled as a delinquent, a troublemaker, arrogant, a sadist, ill-tempered and ill-mannered and so on.  
Even before opening his mouth he would be condemned as a society threat by the prejudice of some people.

Only because of the bigoted stereotypes society loves to form upon people looks and behavior, without looking further into the individuals hearts.  
A song Hyunjin and Changbin could sing since kindergarten. Having a shared sorrow, the two neighbors fast became childhood friends.  
One of them had to explain himself that he wasn't the culprit of the disappearance of Doni the class guinea pig.  
While the other one had to defend himself about his looks not being the reason of him getting at the top of his class. 

As for the nickname the music production student had to thank a freckled cutie.  
While Changbin was a senior in high school he was greeted by a living sun, holding his own picture up on a Saturday at their usual meeting place.  
With Chan's and Minho's contribution, they all laughed at his again expressionless picture of a school photo.  
Binnie loathed the annual stupid photo shooting. Being forced to smile was his biggest nightmare.  
It wasn't because he didn't smile a lot, as a matter of fact he was a very cheerful person.  
However, having someone to tell you to smile and hearing bullshit like ”You are young, enjoy life and be happy” or “Why are you in a bad mood?” or “You know this is a photo shooting. Didn't your parents teach you manners?!" or "What's with that look on your face?” and so on.

Within hundreds of meters or even within the whole country, you would rarely find a more well-mannered person with a heart full of love and respect for his elders and his surrounding people than Seo Changbin.  
The boy was a shy, polite, bighearted, cheerful and highly intelligent soul. Changbin didn't have the urge to prove it to his environment.  
Silently he would help elder people crossing the street, accompany safely women when they were alone on the streets late at night, or waiting with them until their own friends would show up.  
Was Seo Changbin a saint?!  
No, he had his own history full of miscalculated steps, bad and good memories, thoughtful and rushed decisions, emotional outbreaks, concealed desires, fears and even prejudgments. Though he tried to avoid the latter as much as he could.  
He would just act and talk upon his own will, without thinking if it may seem uncalled to the people around him. 

Changbin wasn't here to prove anyone anything. He was solely trying to live as best as he could, without hurting himself and others too much. 

Seo Changbin was a human, one who wouldn't fake his humanity.

Back then, standing there he was watching his friends laughing on the ground of the neighborhood basketball court while looking at his picture. 

“So cute. Like a cute baby. Baby Chaaangbean.”  
Felix exclaimed in a genuine voice full of adoration.

Binnie was smiling, thinking back at the memory of his friends chanting 'Baby Changbin'.

“What is our Baby Changbin thinking about?”  
Chris was hugging the smaller one's waist and his powerful dimpled smile which could resurrect the dead was plastered on his face.  
Even Minho who was already in the bottoms of his silk black pajamas, diverted his attention onto the others. 

Changbin coughed and was ready to smack them off.  
However, he heard the familiar sound of his phone buzzing and looked at a new message.  
Binnie's smile was replaced. 

His previous smile resembled the blossoming spring, remembering with fondness a bright sunny winter day.  
The expression now was a cold winter day, ready to melt away and yearning for the sun above him.  
Changbin had a cute but somehow idiotic smile on his face, while looking at the image on his phone. 

“What's wrong with you?”  
Minho thought his friend's behavior was a little strange.

“Nothing it's just Felix.” 

“What about him?”  
Chan moved closer to look at Changbin's phone.

To his own disappointment, Chris was a notch too late and his friend had already moved his android device out of his sight.  
Another cough.  
“Nothing. I asked him to notify me when they had reached home.”

“Oh Changlix! His message has to be quite cute to make you smile like that.”  
Chris was wiggling his eyebrows.  
Changlix was a name Bang Chan took a lot of pride in. His mind has been fast, upon inventing a name for his two friends. Who sometime seem inseparable in sharing tender affection towards each other.  
A name Woojin took quite a lot of pride in spreading whenever he would get the opportunity to share it with the world.  
And a name the others in their clique were proud of teasing Changbin with.  
He was just too adorable and teasing him was the outcome of it.  
Felix on the other hand, was anyway shameless promoting them as a couple sometimes himself.  
Because again, this was about Changbin. The cutest, most adorable baby the freckled one liked to cling onto.

As a matter of fact, sharing affection with each other was a normal thing within their group.  
All of the nine boys loved to share their love and skinship fondness with each other.  
Their bonds were as deep as brothers, and naturally affection became a main component. Because no one of them was awkward around each other. Even if they loved to joke about it.  
For Chris each bond within the group was unique and adorable. Changlix just had a cute own world of themselves.  
One which was subtle and shy with fondness, and also one who could become a beautiful annoying and satisfying tooth decay.  
A world sometimes similar to a dragonfly moving water with its own wings while flying over the lake and sometimes similar to a rainstorm pouring down hard and causing the water to overflow from its riverbed.

Still, even overflowing it wasn't overused or overrated. As their friendship or any kind of good relation between two people should never been labeled like that. Only bad things to begin should get such a label but not healthy happy relationships. Underrated yes, friendships or other happy shared bonds should get that label. In Chan's eyes love couldn't be measurable, whatever love it was. It should only increase to its favor never being undermined or decreased for what it was. There was no too much as long as it was a respectful healthy one. And it was without limitation, for as many participant it could be shared with. Their whole group understood that, and that's what mattered the most. The genuine shared love between all of them.

The blond Australian was still young and had a long way to go to discover life more.  
However, Chan was a sharp observer and a deep thinker. He loved to question everything from different angles, without to discriminate or a final judgment. Lightening up things from different points of views. Like a Rubik cube. Because you cleared one side, doesn't mean you solved the whole puzzle. You have to spin it a couple of times to see what's on the other sides.  
And even if you can't clear it at your first try, it doesn't mean you can't do it in the future.  
Some things in life need more patience and a deeper understanding, which may resolve after a more open mind and heart without being sized by negativity. Jealousy, the urge to belittle things, looking only at others food, procrastinating and some other feelings were problems in oneself to begin with not because of other people. 

So Chris knew, if someday one of his friends or even himself would decide to move a friendship to another level, he was sure none of them would risk to destroy a deep shared bond. To deepen their affection would only be painting a different color on a house they had already built. A house with one stone placed next to another. Full of their love, trust, understanding and respect for each other.  
As for the moment, he was convinced none of his close eight friends would have such feelings. The nine of them already passed a few trials together to form their profound bonds.

Chan was happy and felt lucky. A luck for obtaining the insight a few years ago to interlink their lives together.  
As 'the genius name master' Chris self-proclaimed was, he even came up with a name of their close group of friends. 

“He didn't send me a text.”

“Huh, no text?! So what else? A picture?” Chan pressed further. 

“Yeah, a picture of him lying in bed. But I have to say Minho, your brother's body is quite small. He looks more fragile than before.”

“???”

“Oh, and you concluded this based on?! What was he wearing?”  
Chan's dimples deepened, thanks to a broader smile.

“Wha-t?! No! What was he wearing?! I didn't see any clothes!”  
Changbin was rather irritated with his friend's questions.  
And it was true. Binnie really couldn't see any clothes. 

With a loud smacking sound, his face was covered with a stinky T-shirt. He also felt an emptiness in his right hand, as his phone had been snatched away. 

“The fuck Minho. It's disgusting! Your shirt reeks of disgusting smoke.”

“And who's fault is it?!”

The older Lee was still changing, as he heard the strange conversation which had been taken place.  
He wasn't a big possessive brother, and he trusted all his close friends completely.  
Still, upon hearing those words he wanted to delete whatever picture was on Changbin's phone.  
He couldn't help it. His protective instinct over his baby brother was filling up his heart and mind.  
Seeing the phone still unlocked, his gaze moved onto the picture. 

There it was, the picture of his cute little brother. Looking indeed small under his bed sheets, smiling captivating into the camera while hugging his enormous plushie.  
Minho's heart skipped a beat, and he was now full with warm love pouring out of each cell of his body.

“What are you doing?! Don't delete it!!!”

“Yes, be a mate. Let me see it as well.”

“Don't panic. I only sent it to my phon-. Oh well, now look at this! I deleted it.”  
With another tap he really did.

“You are a monster.” 

“So what?!”

Minho was stepping over a pill of clothes, which was scattered on the floor, throwing Changbin's phone back to him and finally he climbed into his own bed.  
It was late and no one of them wanted to take a shower. They were tired and would do it in the morning anyway.

“You don't need to look for it.”  
Waving with his iPhone towards Binnie, Lee was more than satisfied.  
The picture was indeed completely gone from inside Changbin phone.

“Don't talk to me. You better sent it back!”

“We'll see about that.”

“But what was it about?! I can't believe I'm only a day gone and you all act like I'm a stranger. Keeping secrets and such. Buddies that's not cool.”

All three were inside their beds. Two of them with disappointed faces, and one rather pleased of himself.

“That's right, why did you miss the lecture today?”

“You missed your lecture?! What a naughty boy.”  
Minho snorted sarcastic.

“Ah, that's because I had an appointment. And later Woojin and myself helped an old acquaintance of mine moving out.”

“Who?”  
Changbin asked. But rather out of habit, than curiosity.

“You don't know him. A fella I met by chance again last week.”


	8. of first kisses and such

“I know. We all know. You even told this Doongi, Dori and Sooni.”

True, Jisung remembered how he had his coming out to the Lee's cats.  
Now he could smile remembering it. Though it was during one of his hardest times back then. 

“But seriously Jisung, make it make sense. This is not the right definition to explain what happened back then.”

“Well, if it wasn't for him, I would have had my first kiss.”

“But Jiji our lips touched. Technically it WAS a first kiss.”

“That one doesn't count. I mean Felix we would have shared a real one, if your brother wouldn't have bursted into your room. And afterwards he even didn't feel ashamed to place himself between us for the rest of the evening.”

Remembering what happened a few years ago, Lix's face started to burn up. Embarrassment took over his body. He was happy, that due to the late hour, the room was pitch black. 

“W-well. If it means that much to you we can do it now.”

“Eww, I'm not into incest.”

“...”

“But really Lixie we could have been more experienced by now.”

“U-hm, right!”

Jisung felt something was off. 

“Is something wrong?”

“No nothing. What about the second time?”

The freckled one tried to distract his friend's attention.  
Felix had a secret. One he couldn't tell anyone. There had been a few occasions where he wanted to speak with his best friend about it.  
However, he didn't know how to start and how to explain everything. And seeing Jiji getting acting up like that, it might be better to keep it for himself. 

“Well … “  
Jisung deeply exhaled. 

“The second time was today. The same time you were disgustingly lovey dovey with your lover boy.” 

“... Jisung he isn-”

“Shut it. This is my story now! So, while you were humping on Changbin like there wasn't a tomo- aaaaahhhhh, the heck Felix. You almost crushed my balls.”

“Just tell your story and go.” 

If embarrassment itself would choose his favorite victim right now, it would be Lee Felix.  
He cringed so hard hearing his best friends words.

“I see how it is. One man and our – ok, ok stop hitting me. I'm moving on. So, I was talking to this unbelievable cutie today right?!”

“Which one?”

“Which one?! The cute blond one who was sitting next to me!”

“Ah, the tall one. Jungwoo, a senior of Seungmin.”

“Yes!!! Totally my type and totally gay. As we talked and flirted quite obviously with each other, we agreed to get a breath of fresh air.  
We ended up in this, what we thought, rather hidden niche next to the restaurant. I was pressing him to the wall, he was holding me tight, and we were deeply gazing into each other's eyes. I felt like-”

“Are you making things up now?”  
Felix interrupted his best friend and was hit by him in return. 

“You ass! Stop disturbing my wonderful love story. SO! We were starring into each other's eyes, no one dared to talk. The air was full of tension and I moved closer. As I wanted to smack my lips onto his perfect ones and suck the living hell out of him, your dimwit of a brother was calling me from behind. I mean, do I have a tracking system on me?! One who is telling Minho to screw up my whole love life, to take away all my first!”

Jisung was fuming. He had enough. Enough of Lee Minho.

“Can you just not talk about my brother like he is forcing himself onto you?”

“But he is! He is forcing himself onto my love life. I know it myself, your brother couldn't harm or disrespect even a mosquito. Minho only loves to be a sadist towards my love life, and to fuck it up as he pleases. Imagine how it feels, finally having the opportunity to kiss someone for the first time. Someone hot. A real kiss Felix! I was living our dream. And just before I could finally get what I deserve, boom everything crumbles – a step only behind the finish line. Naturally, Jungwoo was embarrassed and went back in.”

Felix felt bad for his best friend, he really did. Especially for Jisung it was a little harder than for others to experience something like a first kiss, and his sexual orientation wasn't the hindering factor. That's why he gave in to his best friend's idea to try it out together a few years ago. And sure, because Felix was at that time a little curious himself.  
However, hearing Jisung's last rant just now he couldn't help but remembering his secret.

“Yes, uhm tragic. Let's sleep over it.” 

Just only thinking about it, and the small Australian's body started to heat up again. He was now facing the wall, trying to ignore Jisung the best way he could. Convinced, his best friend was already on his track. 

'Damn it! He can't even see my face right now, and I had to panic and turn around. Now let's calm down Lee Felix. Yongbok concentrate! He can smell your fear. I'll pretend to be asleep, and that's it.'

It was too quiet behind him. The blood-sniffing squirrel was probably scratching his brains out – it was perfectly trained! Lix could hear his own heart pounding like mad. His ears were burning and throbbing with each of his heartbeats. The freckled boy wanted so badly to comfort himself by placing his fingers on his carotid. He had kept this secret for years now. This wasn't the time to leak it. If they wouldn't have talked about this particular topic, he wouldn't have panicked.

“Oh, Lee Felix.”

'Oh shit.'

Yongbok squished his eyes shut and pressed his lips as hard as he could together.  
So hard he couldn't scream while a pair of naughty hands behind him were groping his waist, forcing him to turn around. 

“Lixie, what's wrong?”

“...”

“You aren't sleeping. Sooo, tell me. What are you hiding?”

Jisung was now whispering in his ear.

'Oh god, this is killing me.'

“You don't seriously hide something from me?! Are you feeling guilty? That's why you are behaving like that?”

Felix couldn't take it anymore.

“Yes!” 

Jisung heard his best friend pressing one word out, full of remorse. 

“...”

“Move your ass back. If you don't want to tell me something, just say it. You're unbelievable. As if I would ever force you to anything.”

“But I do want to tell you.”

Almost inaudible and powerless the Australian confessed. 

“I'm good, no need to.”

“But, I really want to!”

“It's ok - I'm good.”

“Jisung, let me tell you.”

“Nah bro, suit yourself. I'm fine.”

“JIJI, listen!!!”

“Nu-uh, I'm already sleeping!”

“Shut the fuck up and listen here!!!”

“...”

“Ok, if you insist.”

Like a pancake their position was flipped. Felix was the one now who tried his best, tugging onto Jisung waist and trying to turn him around.  
That bastard was getting his way again!

“I had my first kiss a few years ago.”

Felix blurted out. 

“Yes, with me.”

“No I'm talking about a real kiss. The one you ranted about earlier.”

“...”

“What the- ... Who? When? How? Where? Too many questions!”

“Actually, I don't know either.” 

Biting onto his heart-shaped lips, thinking hard.

“What?! Is it about a dream? It's ok, I didn't have my first kiss either. So no need to brag.”

“I- …really kissed someone. But everything is blurry!”

“Don't tell me they forced you to drink something?! Or you were too drunk?!”

“I think I really was drunk.”

“Please Felix! We hammered ourselves only once out, and afterwards we swor- Wait a minute! Was it back then???”

“Yes. It was at Chris party.”

“But how wasn't I able… Oh I'm good, I know why!”

Jisung really didn't want to remember his shameful night. 

“Right. After you danced like a hungry stripper on Chris dinin-”

“No no. Don't throw the hooker card at me. When you yourself and Seungmin were fucking the floor.”

“Excuse me?! It's called twerking.”

“Nah, it's hoeing with the floor! But you are right! My bad. Seungmin was twerking with a girl and you were on good terms with the F-L-O-O-R!!!”

“.......”

“At least I wasn't humping Hyunjin!!!”

“He was the only gay around and he is gorgeous hot. It's called dancing by the way. And he is hotter than, can you guess my next words?! Yes!!! your friend th-”

Jisung was pressing now his lips on the floor. What an irony. Teasing his best friend with it one moment before, and kissing it himself the next one. And of course, this time Minho wouldn't interrupt him. Han was asking himself if this was his karma.  
After a few seconds, he pulled himself up on his feet and crawled again into Felix's bed.

“Okay, carry on. I'm not an angel either.”

“So, after you danced on Chris dining table and was being dragged down by my brother, whom you thanked by barfing on his sweater, you were carried out of the house to breathe some fresh air.”

“Can you please not go into every fucking detail what was happening to me and carry on into the details of your story?!”

“Well, you asked me why you didn't know about it.”  
Feigning innocence, Felix enjoyed himself quite a lot.

“I said I'm good! Besides, it amazes me how you could even catch everything from your perspective.”  
Now Jisung was feigning back a similar sweet tone. 

“... Ok, we can as well stop here.”

“Oh, please don't. Otherwise I might think this whole story is about the floor.”

“I hate you!”

“You do love me, yes. Please carry on.”

Jiji's voice was like honey. A honey pouring down and devouring the small mosquito Lee Felix, who thought it was smart to try just a little bit of the honey, and got himself diving a bit too deep into it.  
After a sigh Lix moved on.

“So after that, Chris was picking me up and he put me into one of the spare beds upstairs. I ended up drowsing off. After a while I could hear the door opening and closing again. There was someone inside the room. But after being tucked into bed I was sleepy, and just ignored the person who was bringing me a glass of water. Which I discovered later, as I looked at the bedside table after I woke up again. Anyway, so this person was inside the room and didn't leave it. I even thought to open my eyes, but I knew I would have been greeted by darkness, still I was curious. As I was ready to look at this person, I felt how the beds mattress was sinking by someones body weight.”

Yongbok paused preparing his next words.

“What happened next?” 

Jisung was already trapped inside his friends story. Mesmerized, similar as looking at a beautiful deadly snake, and knowing what would happen next.

“I felt the person, sitting next to me and suddenly they kissed me. I was shocked and opened finally my eyes to see, oh wonder nothing but darkness. As I was still drunk and my thoughts were already spinning wild, I couldn't think straight. And though the person was pulling back and muttered a 'sorry', I just held on to the other's arm and said: “It's ok, I don't mind.” Can you imagine what a dumbass I was?! So after a short while I was being kissed again. But, uhm the kiss had deepened.”

After he had finished his story, both of them stayed quiet for a while.

“Wow what a story. Oh my god! Do you think it could have been that girl? The one who was eyeing you the whole evening?! The girl with the short dark hair?! I don't know if she was still looking at you after we discovered the tequila bottle. But still, she kind of was creeping me out.”

“No. She actually was really nice, as far as I remember. And I'm sure it wasn't her.”

“How do you know?”

“Well, I don't remember a lot. But I am sure it wasn't a girl.”

“What, a guy then?! And that's because?”

Felix slowly breathed deeply in and out of his mouth. 

“Because the dude landed on top of me.”

“Excuse me, what?!”


	9. One beating heart next to mine, was all I needed

Jisung was spacing out.  


“Excuse me, say it again?”

The Australian squirmed next to him. He felt uncomfortable and hot. Heavy and fast breathing, his heart was racing and Felix lowered his head. Unable to look anywhere else, he even closed his eyes.  
Jiji was quick as always regarding figuring out his friends feelings.  
A warm hand landed on Lix's already burning cheeks. 

“It's ok. Take your time. No matter what you will tell me, you will be the same person as before. You are my best friend, and you always will be. A beautiful, manly, bighearted, intelligent, pure and talented person. Someone who I laugh a lot and who I cry a lot with. You went with me through my darkest, desperate hours and I went with you through yours. And we might go through more, but we will do it together. Whenever I feel sad I think of Lee Felix first and whenever I'm happy, I still think of you first. You were my first friend ever. There is no one I would want to share all my memories with, more than with you. Nothing you went through or you will go through will ever stain you in my eyes. You are who you are. I love you dumbass.”

“Jisung … I love you too.”  
Tears were rolling down Yongbok's face. He was deeply touched by his best friend. 

“Ah hush don't start it. Or I will cry as well.”

That's what a person Han Jisung was. No matter the time or place, he would always cheer up his friends. Even going through clowning himself, if he could cheer up the ones next to him he will sacrifice almost everything because they were everything to him. In the past Jisung had nothing. No joy, no will, no hand to help him get up of the bottomless pit. He was trapped, kept falling. He spent a long time in his dark place, unable to figure out the time or what exactly he was doing. Day in, day out the food tasted the same, the air smelled the same, the movement felt the same. Nothing was out of order, still nobody waited for him. Jisung's world at that time had been colorless and sound distorted. But one day, he couldn't even remember which day it was – back then everything was blurry – one day a freckled boy with a smile, burning like thousands suns would probably feel like lifted his filter. A single spark of those bright eyes was needed to inflame a slowly dying sun and let it burn up with new life.  
It wasn't for Felix being persistent or him being the most special boy. Jisung only needed one hand, one friend to make him feel alive again. And it happened to be Lee Felix. Since then, a sun shining as well as thousands suns was reborn. Han Jisung took one hand, and this one saved him. One heart was needed to beat next to his, to make him realize his heart was still beating. 

“I'm just … I think I liked it. I really really loved it. The kiss, the touches, the gentle caresses and then again a little of hot dominance. I mean not the one that would scare you away. He just knew what he was doing, and I was guided by him. I still think a lot about that time.”  
Felix was still embarrassed thinking back about that one boy he probably would never see again. 

“Oh my god bitch congrats, you love dicks. I love 'em too.”

“Please shut the fuck up.”

Lix was pressing his pillow on Jisung face. To keep that foul mouth of his quiet. 

“I mean, I don't care about the gender. I mean who I fall for. I somehow don't believe in that. Ah, not to discredit all the different sexual orientations. I just don't feel I'm sexual attracted to gender. I'm just attracted to people, regardless their looks or gender identification. I hope I don't sound weird. Am I weird Jisung?”

“No, no. Not at all. You are fine Felix. As normal as anyone else. People are who they are. We don't need a society to put a label on us and we also don't have to stress ourselves about it and just enjoy life. We have this one life, why should we make ourselves unhappy or stress over, because the majority has other preferences than us?! I love men, I early discovered it and accepted it. But I struggled with people around me. Even if I didn't know if they would still talk to me after finding out, I stressed myself alone over it. And that's only because our environment tells us what's ok and what's not. We are surrounded my films, the religions, biology and so on. So what if I can get only women pregnant, to get a child on my own? Is it that important to have children? I'm still young, I might want to have some later or I might just don't want any at all. This doesn't make me less human. Plus I can still adopt or there is the possibility of a surrogate mother. Though I rather adopt. Out there are sick people getting children, mistreating them, or just dying without having the ability to raise them. Don't these kids also deserve love?! So if I later can share my love, sweat and blood to raise them properly and make them feel loved and safe – isn't this the definition of a parent?! Parents don't deserve the name only because they share the same blood. And don't let me start on different religions. These bitches didn't translate their bible probably and have the nerve to say homosexuality is a sin! Because that's what some words in a trash translated book says?! It's the Peddos they should go after not us. So no Felix, you are normal and perfectly fine. You might be Pan or you might figure it out later or not at all or you might just go back het-ting around. And all these options are legit and fine.”

During Jisung's long-ass speech, Lix hardly could keep himself awake. It had been a long night, and they were talking for a long time. He wanted to concentrate and to answer his best friend, but he was just tired.  
Jiji on the other hand, still had the energy to talk. So it was him again to speak up. 

“So, did you feel it? Was it big?”

The freckled boy only could absentminded ask a sleepy “What?”

“His dick. You said he was on top of you. No touching? No friction? No groping?”

Suddenly the Australian was forced to cringe himself awake, and Jisung landed again on the floor.  
“Fuck Jisung! Can you please shut up for once about dicks?! Go to sleep.”

“O, I guess it's too early for this conversation.”

“We will never have it! Good night!”

“...”

“Can I sleep with you though?”

Lix heared the annoying cute voice of his best friend pledging.

'He sure looks like that cute Emoji now.'

“Ok, but only if we truly go to sleep.”

“OK.”

Happily Jisung nestled himself next to Felix and hugged him and himself to sleep. 

Plop, plop, plop, plop.

Felix barley got some sleep and was already awake again by some dripping sounds next to him.  
The neighbor upstairs might have got a water leak or it might have been them.  
The latter was the only thought he needed to open his eyes and be awake.  
Still groggy, the Australian was trying to figure out, if that could be the sentiment after being rolled over by a tourist bus?!

“Jiji, did we leave any water tap open?!”

Felix mouth was dry, way to dry. He even desired to lick whatever the quality of that water might be, that he was hearing too near by his ears.  
Plop, plop, plop, plop  
His head was about to kill him. Whatever trickled down, was worsening his headache. Each drop plopped like a bomb inside his head.  
Lix couldn't bear it anymore and tried to get up. With his right hand supporting him on the hard surface he lifted his head.

'Wait, there wasn't a desk next to my bed?! And above all, didn't I fall asleep on my bed?! Shit, I don't remember.'

Deeply confused, Felix tried to hold his throbbing head, make this headache stop.  
Actually he couldn't feel his own body properly. Like he really had been under a bus.  
Lix's right hand was now supporting his head.

'Great, whatever leaked, was on this desk. What even is this funny smell?'

The right hand was again lowered, for him to have a proper look. His heart stopped. 

'No, no, no, no! I'm not seeing blood. This can't be blood. Please don't let it be blood.'

He panicked, shaking his head heavy, rubbing his right hand like crazy on his clothes. Felix had abruptly a problem with his vison. And that was not because he started to tear up, he was in a deep shock. A panic attack was slowly approaching. Rapid breathing, fast heart rates – he was already used to them but before the boy would lose his last string of sanity, he instinctively looked up.  
What he saw wasn't even near the horror he already had been through. Felix eyes were nearly jumping completely out of their sockets, his mouth wide open – he screamed, but not a single sound came out.  
Feet were right above him. A person, a woman was hanging down from the ceiling. Thin currents of blood rolled down her arms, her knuckles and fingers. 

Plop, plop, plop, plop

Some blood drops landed on Felix face, one even got inside his mouth.  
Tasting the blood, he wanted to throw up. With almost the speed of light he crawled back, his body and head were shaking hard, without direction or control.  
Finally after going through all this anxiety, sleep deprivation, the stress and horror – his body eased itself with him throwing on the ground.  
The Australian had an aftertaste of puke, gastric acid and still this disgusting texture of blood.  
He felt a lot better now and a lot more tired. 

As he wanted to close his eyes to take a quick rest, trying to keep his sanity somehow, he moved his head over his left shoulder without a reason.  
Neatly one next to the other similar to sleeping angels, four small children bodies were laying on the ground. All of them had long dark hair, adorable chubby cheeks and were wearing white long gowns. Like dolls they didn't move. Their skin complexion of an unnatural one - a light wax color, no rosy cheeks or color on their lips. No breathing movements or sounds.  
Felix even didn't try to go over to check their pulse. He knew they were dead. Like the lady above. Freezing on the spot, he couldn't keep his eyes away off that abomination in front of him. Seized deeply by horror, the boy even didn't hear someone coming in and crouching down to him.

“How about you end it here, hm?”

A creepy deep voice was speaking next to him. A voice of a man. Felix was too afraid to turn around. 

Lix hair was merciless pulled back, he screamed in pain.  
A strong hand around his upper body prevented him to move his arms or break free.  
The man leaned his head onto Felix cheek and he was sniffing his scent deeply into his own lungs.  
The stranger was tilting his head a little to the right, and the Australian felt cold lips on his neck.  
He wanted to throw up again. 

“Let's end this here. Look what you have done. Let's end this here.”

With each word he could feel the man touching his skin with his face and lips.  
Yongbok never had experienced such a feeling of disgust and dirtiness before.

“I know nothing. I did nothing. Let me go. Please, let go.”  
His words were pressed with the uttermost force. 

“You even deny it? Good, then let me show you what you did.”

No, Felix didn't want to see anything anymore. He closed his eyes, but was already throw hard back on the floor and landed with half of his face and hands in his own puke.  
He didn't care. Because right now something even more vile was taking place.  
Lix could hear the man approaching him.  
Fear-driven, he took a glimpse over his right shoulder and peeked for a small moment at the man before the stranger lowered himself next to him.  
It wasn't a familiar face, but what flabbergasted the young boy was what this stranger was wearing.  
It definitely was a Hanbok.  
Darkness filled his vision, again he passed out.


	10. Do I know you?

Nightmares?! Positive, they still continue.

The worst part was, whenever Felix would wake up from them the borders of reality and dreams weren't there anymore. 

He wasn't sure if all those realistic dreams weren't actually the reality. And the student life, his friends were only sweet dreams. 

Maybe the real him couldn't accept whatever he was facing and tried to comfort himself with sweet dreams. Dreams where he could escape from his reality. 

Tears rolled down his cheeks, down his neck, leaving sorrow warm traces on his skin. 

'Can't this be my reality?! Can I please stay here?! I don't care what's real or not, so can I rest here?!'

Soundless crying - feeling pity for himself, his tears couldn't stop falling. 

Next to him finally Han Jisung woke up.

“Lix what's wrong? Why are you crying?”

Drowsy the music production student was holding his best friend into his arms, stroking Felix's back. 

“Shh, Shh, it's ok. It's ok. I'm here.”

“Jiji can I stay here?”

He choked almost on his weeping. 

“Of course dummy. Why shouldn't you?”

Jisung was confused by those words, but he let the film student shed his tears in his arms to his heart content. 

After a while Felix stopped crying. However, he still clutched onto the other. 

“Again a nightmare?”

Lix only nodded inside his friend embrace. 

“Do you want to talk about it?”

He shook his head.

“Do you feel going back to sleep?”

A no again.

“Wanna get ready and get some fresh air, as well grab something to eat?”

A pause, but then finally a yes. 

“Ok, remember this. I look like shit because we didn't sleep, but I'm still going out with you. So next time we have that dick talk you denied.”

A pillow hit Jisung hard on his back. 

Still Felix couldn't help it and burst into a laughter while rolling his eyes over his friends behavior. Jisung's dumb talks could give him the best relief. Even if he made him cringe early in the morning. 

He looked at his phone, it was only half-past five in the morning.

Yongbok opened the first Kakao Talk message he had received at night.

'Lix, I'm being bullied.'

'Please sent me the picture you sent Changbin.'

'They don't wanna show me!!!'

'Lix, please I'm sad!'

Followed by some pledging, crying Emojis and some hearts. 

Laughing with his phone in his hands, waiting for Jisung to let him as well shower, he sent his picture. Chris was really too cute. 

Another unopened message:

'Lixie, why are you sending your pictures first to a stranger?'

'Am I not your brother?!'

'I feel sad, send me a picture of you now.'

'Lixie, good night.'

'I love you.'

'You must say it back!!!'

Waking up to this, Felix's mood suddenly shifted. 

With adoration in his eyes, he answered his brother.

'Good morning!'

'I love you!'

Followed by a couple of hearts and kissing Smileys. 

There seem to be a last message. 

'Yongbok, Bokie, your brother is a meanie!'

'He deleted your picture.'

'Please sent it again.'

'Good night!'

No further Smileys or Emojis needed to get diabetes from Baby Changbin's messages. 

Thinking, his friend truly was an adorable cutie.

Again he was sending his picture from last night. 

'What's so special anyway about it?'

Before he left the chat, he saw there was more to Binnies message.

'A picture.'

After opening it, Felix was smiling like crazy.

There was a Seo Changbin tucked in his bed and hugging his favorite Muchlax plushie Gyu.

How can a man be so manly, and at the same time such a cute Baby?! Something Lee Felix really couldn't get enough of Seo Changbin - his duality was too endearing. 

The Australian adored Binnie a lot. If someone would ask him who could be an absolute ideal type of man, he would answer without thinking twice: Seo Changbin. 

It wasn't intended to mean anything. To acknowledge and praise another dude, doesn't mean you have feelings for him. It was just what Felix felt was the truth. Changbin was smart, he focused on whatever he wanted to achieve and did a great job. He would always take care of others. Changbin was bighearted, talented, funny, cute, respectful, well-mannered and on top of that - he looked like a god. Remembering Binnie's working out process – yes he truly looked like a god. A god of war in Lix eyes. His manly handsome face, beautiful soul piercing eyes, his well defined body. Not to talk about those guns!!! Whenever he got a hug from his friend he felt like a tiny boy, thanks to Seo's muscular physic. 

Plop, plop, plop, plop

“You are drooling. What are you thinking about?”

Felix looked up. Han Jisung with only a towel around his torso was looking at his phone. Water dropped from his still wet hair.

“Nothing. Go dry up probably, you're getting everything wet.”

“Bitch stop denying. I saw it.”

“Saw what?”

“I see how it is. Gay hours in the morning without me. Let me ask you Lee Felix, how many pictures do you have from me inside your phone?”

“What hours are you talking about?! You are such a drama king. I have a lot of photos of us inside my phone.”

“But how many of O.N.L.Y me?”

“What?!”

“See, you can't even answer.”

“Stop complaining.”

“How dare you now?! After I called you out?”

“Whatever, then sent me some bitch.”

“I won't.”

“Then don't do it.”

“I see how it is.”

“Go dress up.”

“I can't. I'm too heartbroken.”

“Oh shut up.”

With a click sound a photo of a Han Jisung with his upper body bare was saved inside Felix's phone.

“Happy now?!”

“What took you so long?!”

Pleased Jisung went to the dresser to fish some clothes out. 

The room was a little messy, but they would clean it up later.

Lix wanted to roll his eyes again, but was stopped by a great idea popping inside his mind.

'Yes true, what took me so long?!'

With a mischievous smile, another picture was sent. 

Minho woke up in a good mood which was amplified thanks to his little brother's good morning message. 

Things aren't meant to last long in life, and his good mood was crushed by the same person and a half naked picture of Han Jisung early in the morning. 

Seungmin on the other hand got only the picture, and he had the desire to punch his head hard on the wall. To forget and dream again.

A few hours later that day the group of friends met up at their favorite restaurant, to have a late brunch together.

Normally they would cook either at the Kim's or one of the other boys student rooms.

They all were resourceful with their money. 

But today all of them were too tired and craved the restaurants food.

After they ordered some dishes, they decided to order different ones and share them all together, Jisung was struck by a realization. 

“You didn't tell me why you skipped class?”

“I had an appointment.”

“Mhm, which one?”

“Just helping someone I know and I met by chance again moving out. Woojin helped later on as well.”

“I see. Do I know them?”

“No.”

“But who are they?”

“Jisung, it really isn't important. It wasn't a friend.”

Chris was smiling at him. But before he could say something, the dark-blue hair colored boy was kicked hard under the table.

Han screamed in pain. He looked at Seungmin opposite from him, who fixed him with a dark glare.

“You better shut it here, and use your mouth to eat instead of being loud. Disturbing enough to wake up with your picture.”

“???”

“Minnie you too?! Why is it only us good people are getting to suffer?!”

“I don't know Min. I guess it's because we are too bighearted. That's why life throws a Han Jisung at us.”

“Yes, life throws him at us. Perfection, doesn't exist. We have to take the flaw called Han Jisung to be like the others.”

“HEY, can dumb and dumber Minnie-Min shut the fuck up!!! What picture you asses??? Oh my god, are you secretly recording me??? You disgusting perverts!!!”

Under the table Jisung was kicking wild, without direction. 

Thus, all of them started to kick under the table.

Jeongin was literally under the table, biting wild on the kicking legs, because he couldn't dare being seen with these embarrassing idiots.

Until a Kim Woojin couldn't take it any longer.

“If you all don't stop behaving like some preschool kids, I will flick each of your foreheads – for hours.”

No absolutely no one wanted that, even for a minute so they started behaving again.

The food was served now anyway and all of them munched with ease. 

Still Jisung was curious. 

“What picture?”

“Jisung.” 

Woojin warned.

“I was sending both of them your half naked picture. Happy now!”

“Hah! The biggest traitors are those you trust the most. Just because I called you out drooling over Changbin's picture.”

Felix eyes suddenly wanted to compete with the size of a watermelon and with a red face he stared at Changbin sitting in front of him. 

But Binnie was choking on something and seem to find his - happen to be at that moment - empty plate too fascinating to look at.

“What picture Changbin?”

Minho next to him couldn't slide that one out.

“Again picture secrets?! What picture Changbin?”

“Oh Changlix! Are you both sending late night pictures to each other?”

“Brother stop being gross.”

“For the first time I second something Seungmin said, brother please let me live.”

“Why is no one sending me late night pictures?”

This was Jisung wondering.

“You want me to send you some?”

“Jinnie, I love you. But just because we are the only gays doesn't mean we have to hock up.”

“True, but aren't Changbin and Felix gay as well?”

Hyunjin was asking in a genuine serious tone. And that's why a round of people choking on their food followed. Some in disgust – Seungmin, Jeongin and one in an upgraded disgusted manner, Lee Minho. Two of them choked in surprise, one choked because he was rather pleased of himself and the protagonists seem to choke the most. Unable to decide which emotion they first felt. 

However, Han Jisung had an instant karma. One who only waited for him to do something stupid, to reward him right away. As he looked at his phone, he screamed and almost threw it on the ground. 

“Han Jisung, what now?!”

Woojin couldn't understand how his friend's mind worked. Within seconds the squirrel could shift into different emotions and sometimes it was hard to keep up with his energetic outbursts. And even though he was already used to it, Woojin couldn't help but worry each time he had a new outburst.

“Nothing just my crazy Sugar Daddy.” 

It really was sometimes hard to keep up with Han Jisung.

“I said it loud, didn't I?” Jiji whispered to Felix next to him.

“Yes.”

“Is your brother looking?”

“Why is it -”

“Quick, I can't look now.”

“Yes, all of them are staring at us idiots whispering.”

“Tragic!”  
Jisung sighed. 

“You have a Sugar Daddy as well?”

“Kim Seungmin I didn't teach you that way!”

“Relax I got rid of him, right away.”

“How did you do that?” 

Jisung wanted for the love of god to get rid of his as well.

“As soon as he asked me about feet pictures, I started with some law-jargon and that pervert was running away with his tail between his legs.”

“But wait. How and especially why would the both of you get yourselves Sugar Daddies?”  
Changin couldn't imagine his friends doing something like that. 

“I am, broke.”

“Jisung. Why didn't you say something earlier?!”

Woojin's heart was crushed by his sentence.

“Stop making him worry and tell the truth.” 

After each word Felix was hitting his best friend lightly. 

“But then Jeongin should tell the truth!”

“Huh?”

Woojin looked at his baby brother. 

“I already feel bad. I apologized a couple of times. I didn't intend for this to happen.”

He really felt bad and was tearing up. 

“It's not your fault Jeongin. You may have started something stupid, but those guys are at wrong. Jisung send me his name. I'm gonna law him over as well.”

“Oh ok. And it's ok Jeongin, really. We all kind of started shit, and the bastards took advantages of us.”

“Now can any of you explain, before all my hairs are falling off, because I'm worried sick?”

Hyunjin tried to get a hold on to this mess he couldn't understand.

“Well, a few months ago Seungmin, Jisung and myself started to write some dumb tweets on our rant accounts on twitter. After they teased me for a while, I had the idea to tweet that interested Sugar Daddies could ask of Seungmin and Jisung feet pictures. I didn't write their names, I only wanted to link their rant accounts. By accident, I wasn't attentive enough and because Jisung's main and rant accounts are too similar, I linked his main account to my tweet. After Sungie wrote me to delete it, because I linked his main, I did.”

The poor boy was eaten alive by his bad conscience.

“It's ok Innie. It was fun at first, anyway. But who would have known that the one writing me is a different kind of dumb breed. It should have ended similar to yours, after the first conversation of asking about feet pictures. But now this is the third time he is writing me. At first he asked for feet photos. I laughed at him and cursed. He liked it I guess, because he was asking me about age and such. I blocked and reported him but he has created another account. Because now he sent me a picture of his small dick?!”

Minho couldn't hold the water he was drinking in his mouth. 

“He didn't send you a picture of his dick!”

“Yes he did. This motherfucker even told me his name: Jose Yong. Though I doubt it's his real name. Still I googled it up and found someone living in Seoul with that name.”

“Excuse me what?”

Chris couldn't believe there was someone in the city with that name.

“That's great, we can report him now.”

Seungmin added.

“Guys wait. You can't-”

Minho tried to interfere.

“Yes, he should burn in prison.”

Hyunjin agreed with the idea to report this Mister Jose Yong.

“Stop! I'm Jose Yong.”

“You are what now?!"

Jisung asked Minho in disbelief. 

“No I really am.”

“Explain!”

“I saw the tweet. How the fuck do you think could someone be this fast?! Though Im amazed about Seungmin's luck. Anyway, I was at home with Chris. So I told him what you dumb heads did, and we both decided to punish you for not taking the dangers out there seriously.”

“I should have known such a dumb name like Jose Yong was something Chris made up.”

“I'm sorry Jisung, but you all should try to think more before you act. Seungmin was lucky he could get away from that sicko.”  
Chris explained. Still he felt bitter, Jose Yong was a great name!

“Well, you are right that there are some sick bastards around, but it isn't our fault for them getting involved. But why are you so obsessed with me?”  
This question was directed at Minho.

“I sent you three short messages. One of them was a picture!”

“Yes a picture of a dick!”

“Are you dumb Jisung?! It was my middle finger. I took the picture just a few minutes before under the table!”

“Yes might be a finger.”

“In the future no one will punish anyone. We first talk with each other and then I will be the only one in charge of punishment. Chris, Minho be prepared for yours today. And my dear brothers, don't think I'll forget about the both of you. Each of you gets ten flicks on the forehead! In addition, you will do something nice for Jisung. Whatever he wants you'll do it.”

Woojin wanted this chaotic brunch to end. 

“But I did actually all this because I was worried about him!”

“Bro, kind of twisted way don't you think?! Don't worry, I'll think about something nice you have to do.”

Jisung felt great. Thanks Jose Yong bro for having Minho finally served on a silver plate.

As the group was heading finally out of the restaurant, a tall dark haired gorgeous handsome man came towards them with a beaming smile.

“Oh hey Hyunjin, hey Chris! I didn't know you would enjoy this place as well.”

“Yes, we all love it.”

“Jinnie, who is he? And how does he loves his eggs in the morning?!”

Jisung might have spoken a little too loud as the guy was laughing and shaking his head over it.

“You two know each other?!”

Chan asked Hyunjin.

“Yes, we have some classes together. How do you know him?”

“Ah, Chris helped me out moving the other day. Thanks again buddy. Right sorry. Woojin, isn't it?! How are you?”

“I'm fine thank you, and you?”

“Thanks good as well. Oh wait- don't we know each other too?”

“Excuse me?”

Felix would remember if he had met such a captivating person.

“I might have been mistaken. Well I have to go inside. Let's catch up another time. Bye.”

“Who was he?”

Lix asked Chris.

“Ah Lucas. Quiet an interesting fella. A good guy.”

“Lucas.”

Jisung wanted to make sure to remember this name. 

The following weeks, Felix still had nightmares every night. But they were filled with the same dream. The scene of the four dead small children and the women would nest itself deep inside his memories. 

The college stress, the nightmares and the resulting psychological and physical consequences drain the freckled boy out. He resembled more and more like a lifeless doll, a zombie, losing weight way too much. Dark circles around his eyes, shivering almost the whole day because his sleep deprivation led to more chillness. Even his freckles had lost a bit of their color because of his bad skin complexion. Losing appetite made him lack concentration during classes. Lee Felix was a wrack and everybody noticed. 

Jisung tried his best to convince him to search up a specialist and at least to tell the others about his dreams. After a lot of convincing Yongbok told his best friend about them. Jisung was frightened about only Felix describing his last one. But Lee Felix was stubborn. He didn't want to make more people worry about him. So after the others noticed him changing too, he shut them out. Saying it's his stress at college. Good thing his parents moved back to Australia and wouldn't see him in that state. All the boys were worried sick, especially his brother and Changbin. 

The latter because they had been a lot closer before. Right now Felix was slipping away from his vision and life. University took almost their whole time, so the moments to spent his time with his best friends was limited and Seo Changbin couldn't help it but feel anxious if one of them was drifting further away from him. The lingering feeling, for the person to warm the spot he left. It might sound dramatic, but that's how he was feeling. Changbin was hopelessly shut away from. Even if he could see his friend, Felix had built an invisible thick jelly barrier around himself. The one inside could still hear Changbin, but his words couldn't reach his heart. Binnie might touch his friend but his touch couldn't warm his skin or comfort his soul. Helpless Changbin tried to tear down the thing surrounding his friend, but like magic an even harder, bigger part appeared in the place he already freed. After one small smile he could bring to Felix, a row of sad expressions followed. Watching his friend becoming day by day more lifeless. Watching a sun losing its warmth and getting cold himself, fighting an invisible force not knowing which direction to take, Changbin was frightened. More than he had ever been before in his life. 

When the weekends approach the freckled boy would lately excuse himself and tell the others he had too much homework to do or had a leak of sleep and needed to sleep in more. 

Though he never would. Felix was afraid of sleeping. Closing his eyes and seeing blood, dead people and being tortured by a stranger in a loop was driving him crazy. He even wished the man would do something to him, so that the dream would be complete. Perhaps then it would stop. But each time the man approached him in his dreams he woke up. 

Jisung couldn't take it anymore, he broke his promise and told the group of friends in every detail about Felix's problem. 

During a Saturday, each of the young adults were doing some homework for their upcoming classes and Felix even went short out to buy some supplies he still needed.  
He declined Jisung's offer to accompany him. The boy wanted a short break of the dreams and talking about them. 

Returning with his supplies he opened the door to his room to only find all of his friends inside and watching him.

“What's wrong? What is the meaning of this?”

“It's an intervention. Felix lets talk about your dreams.”

Chris invited him to come nearer.

A slight glimpse towards Jisung told him they all knew everything. 

“Since when are you all so interested in something unimportant as dreams.”

He tried to play it off. Afraid to break down again on the spot and making his friends worry too much about him.  
It was enough he went already through hell, no need to pull the people he cared about into this horrifying mess. 

“Since you are losing weight over them and look like shit.”

A simple but true statement from Seungmin.

“You are worrying us a lot. Now at least we know what's causing it. Please don't shut us out anymore.” 

Hyunjin expression spoke volumes, he anxiously clutched his own hands as well.

And exactly this was what Felix wanted to see the least.

He sighed, storing his supplies inside his desk showing his back towards the group of friends. 

“Please talk to us. Felix we will help you. Please let us in.”

Jeongin's usual sweet voice was trembling.

“Look. I appreciate you all worrying about me. But they are only nightmares, caused by too much college stress I guess. It will soon-”

“Enough of this! Can't you see shutting us out is making us worry more about you than sharing your troubles. Your brother is going mad because he feels so helpless. I feel so helpless. Are we some kind of accessories, you like to wear when feeling like it?! Is our friendship worth shit to you?!”

Changbin was out of options. 

“I never discredited our all friendship. I don't want to drag you all into something I myself can't figure out.”

Felix turned to face his friends. 

“I'm just tired. I really don't know how to get out of this. It's tearing me down, driving me crazy. I even don't know which one is real. The dreams, or the me right now?! It's so hard to hold myself together. I -”

Tears rolled down his cheeks while speaking. Felix was furious about his state, but still couldn't help sobbing his defenseless state out. He felt pathetic.

“Then let me hold you. Take a rest, you did well. Now let me hold you together. I'll be your shield. I might still not know how to help you, but I will flip every stone in this world if it means to find something to help you. Take my hand Felix.” 

While holding him in a tight embrace, Changbin was soothing him with a warm voice and reassuring back strokes. 

Following Binnie, Felix was surrounded and hugged by all of his friends. They looked like a blooming flower. Clinging to each other, in the middle – the pistil of the flower – was a freckled boy surrounded by love. 

After a while Woojin spoke up. 

“I might have a way to help.”

All of them were now focused on the medical student's next words.

“There is a method by using a particular flower called the sacred blue lily or blue lotus, to dive into the subconscious and trying to get to the root of some problems. The blue water-lily has strong psychedelic powers and we have to be very careful in using it.”

“If this is true, we should try it out.”

With a solution Jeongin felt finally a bit relieved. He couldn't stand seeing his friend in such a state.

“Well yes but it's a hard process and needs a lot of time to prepare. Also the plant is actually hard to get. But I happen to have some.”

Woojin smiled at the lights of hope he saw in his friends eyes. 

All except Chan and Changbin. 

Chris already knew of Woojin's plan. 

And as for Changbin, he looked quite gloomy and skeptical. 

“How did you get your hands on it?” 

There was something in Changbin's voice Felix wasn't able to explain.

“Ah, that's because I plant it.”

“You do what?”

Minho was flabbergasted.


	11. Blue Lotus seeking the Sun

"So what are we waiting for?"

They were all sitting in a circle on the floor. Like kids telling themselves a horror story, just that the horror story was real. At least for Felix.

Woojin was smiling at Jeongin who asked the question. A mysterious smile. 

"Well, we will brew the blue lotus and add some special herb tinctures to it. Though the temperature is very important and as well the duration of its cooking. I will need three days at least. Chris I hope you will give me a hand."

"Sure."

"Wait, but you said psychedelic effects?! What are the side effects? Sounds dangerous to me."

Changbin nodded at Seungmin's remark and added.

"The blue lotus is banned in some countries for a good reason."

"True. And like you said its hard to get some genuine blue lotus."

"I didn't know the both of you are flowers connoisseurs?"

Woojin fixed Minho.

“I went with Minho and Changbin last month to an exhibition and Monet's Water Lilies were presented. Somehow we got into a conversation with a woman next to us who talked about the paintings and waterlilies in general. The blue lotus came up.”

“Is that so?! Chan you are full of surprises.”

“No. The one full of surprises is you, brother. Since when are you planting flowers? How can we not know about it? Jeongin did you see flowers at home?”

“Not that I recall. I'm shocked as well. Tell us the truth, Woojin.”

The friends were taken by storm with the news of one of them planting flowers. A suspicious curiosity filled the room.

“But it is the truth. And they are not my flowers. I came across a researcher in a laboratory during my part-time job last summer. You still remember, the one I worked in a blood test laboratory?! I kind of stepped during my first day in the wrong room. There, a guy Hyun-Shik, was analyzing a blood sample. Anyhow, we came into a discussion and he told me the sample is his blood and he is testing the effects the blue lotus has within the human body on himself. I was very interested and so he told me he is planting a small amount of flowers inside a lab room and if I want I can help him out, learn more about the blue lotus. I agreed. It never came to me you guys might be curious regarding this topic, so I didn't speak to you all about it.”

“Now who is full of surprises.” Chan's dimples were coming through with his bright smile.

“So how does it work exactly? I just drink the tea and?”

“No not only the tea. I will prepare a kind of ritual before to get you into a relaxed state. It is done with incense of the lotus plant and I also will recite some soothing words while guiding you into your subconscious.”

“Woojin you are studying medicine right? What's this voodoo thing?”

Seungmin couldn't understand how his brother was speaking about a ritual like it was some logical operation he was going through.

“True, but the human body and brain can respond to other methods than human medicine. In the psychological field there are for example hypnosis and other more applications. Sometimes Seungmin, things that might look like unreal to us have a better healing impact than the normal medicine we know. During our acting classes we sometimes do some exercises which require an open mind to the unknown. But the people guiding us are pros. Woojin are you sure it's a legit method and you truly can apply it without harming Felix?!”

“I'm not a psychologist, a professional mediator or versed in alternative medicine. I don't want to mess up with Felix's mental condition. However, I watched how Hyun-Shik has been guided into subconsciousness by a professional a few times. Now if you want I can ask him if you can be a subject the next time as well?! But we have to fill out some forms and -”

“Woojin are you crazy?! My brother isn't a guinea pig to experiment on him.”

“I agree this whole talk is madness. What if you harm him while he is in his subconsciousness state?! What if he can't get out. No this is ridiculous to begin with.”

“But it's not a decision one of you can make, Changbin. I want to get ride of these nightmares. And if Woojin has a way, doesn't matter how crazy it is – I want to try it out.”

“Don't worry Felix. I will not hurt you. I am very confident regarding this method. Thrust me, nothing will happen. However except for the duration of tea preparation, the biggest and hardest obstacle is yourself. We have to set some anchors for you to not get lost and you need to be open-minded and without fear once you are with a conscious mind inside your subconscious. To explain it better. It will be like a dream but one which your body and mind will see as reality. So whatever you will feel and see it is real but again not. Similar to the nightmares you have.”

“Felix I am against it.”

“I think the same as Minho. I'm sorry Woojin I thrust you, but I am afraid of Lix's well being. What you are talking about seems just too risky and uncertain.”

Jeongin was horrified of Felix getting more emotional bruises than he already had.

“Look, self analysis and risky not scientific proven methods are crazy to do. You need professional help to approach this all. I will search with you up some dream specialists or whatever might help you. You, going alone through such an uncertain process shouldn't even be up for discussion.”

Felix was deeply in thoughts, he wasn't sure either what to do.

“If you are so concerned, you can join him on his journey Changbin.”

Woojin smiled at the shorter boy.

“Excuse me what?! Are we inside Hogwarts or a parallel magic universe?!”

He had been quiet almost the whole discussion, but right now Jisung couldn't take the illusive picture they approached. 

“I don't know what medicine they teach you but this is delusional.”

Minho confirmed. 

“Are you in a sect or some kind of cult Woojin?!”

Even Hyunjin couldn't progress the last statement his friend had made.

“How can I join him?”

“Changbin are you dumb?! I thought we agreed its delusional?! My brother will not do this. Have fun on your own.”

All of them started to quarrel and to voice up their different opinions. It was a huge loud mess.

“Can you all shut the fuck up?! No one will decide over my head, even you Minho. I'm not a baby or a fragile person to begin with. Woojin please explain further. Once I am inside my subconscious how will it work exactly? And what do I have to do once I'm in? How I get out again?”

Yongbok was first firmly shutting his friends up before inquiring further.

“Well after you are inside, it's up to you what you will do. Like I said it might feel like it is reality. So it is very important for you to understand beforehand whatever pain you might sense, doesn't matter if it's a physical one or a mental one, it isn't real. It is just a dream you are in with a conscious mind. Still, I will watch over you while you are inside it. If I will see any big alarming changes, I will guide you out immediately. Your body will go into an epileptic seizure if your mind can't take it anymore. But you won't go through that. I won't let you out of sight, thrust me. “

During the whole time of their discussion, Woojin had spoken in such a reassuring manner. Nothing in his voice or his facial expression was leading to an insecure impression. Furthermore, Felix thought even if the words his friend said were illogical to the human mind, he sensed them to be as logical as air is needed to breathe for him to stay alive. 

“Ok how do I get out again?”

“Yes how do we get out again?! If Changbin can join I can go in too.”

“Jisung this isn't a game. It's enough if I go with him. Whatever this crazy thing is.”

“Are you both serious?! I won't leave my brother alone with the both of you, where ever he will dive in. I'm joining as well.”

“You are all lunatics and I even don't know what we are talking about - but I'm in. And if I can get only Felix out then be it. I'll leave you bitches there without thinking twice.”

“And because of Jeongin's weird way of helping, you all need the smartest ones of our group. So Seungmin and myself will help you out.”

“Hyunjin, I'm doing what now?!”

“Sh, it's a class trip Minnie. Naturally we have to help them before they eat something weird again or dunno jump from a cliff to try out if they can fly.”

Hyunjin was especially looking at Jisung and Felix who were sitting next to each other.

“Hey, we are not that dumb.”

“Jiji sometimes we do weird stuff. Hyunjin has a point.”

Carefree as the group was, they started to get into a discussion of planning a trip, as if they would go to another country than diving into some unknown location inside their subconscious. For other people it might be delusional, absurd and unreal. For them it was another trip if done together.

“You all, I can't monitor over so many people.”

“Take Channie as a help.”

“Jisung I don't understand this stuff to begin with. How can I be of help?!”

“Learn it from Woojin.”

Jiji still unsure what they were even talking about, but his mind told him safety should come first even while jumping into an unreal and unsafe scenario to begin with.

“Yes with Chris it will be enough. Regardless, I can't let you all do this. And especially you Jeongin, I can't let you go through this.”

“Why? If you are putting Felix through this why can't I go as well?”

“Because if the exit is not being used from the outside - as speaking of me waking you up due to an unstable condition - then the normal exit is a rather delicate case.”

“Ah right. You still haven't answered my question. How do I get out?”

Felix was curiously looking at the medical student.

“You need to die to get out again.”


	12. A lucid reality

Felix thought about upon hearing Woojin's words, if the theory he had before was true and he really was actually dreaming and his dreams were the reality. 

“Woojin this isn't funny.”

Hyunjin was shocked about his friend's words.

“Brother you are scaring me.”

Jeongin looked anxious. His voice trembling. What was wrong with his brother?! Nausea filled him up and a lump was forming inside his throat. Maybe it was all too much. The medicine study and him caring for Seungmin and himself. Maybe this was his breaking point. The young boy was troubled, conflicted and thought though Seungmin and himself tried their best to take as much of their older brother's responsibility away it was fruitless. It was simply too much for Kim Woojin to bear. Innie was afraid of changes, changes were frightening him since that birthday he had and his parents didn't return home. Changes around him, especially the ones within their small fragile but still happy family were alarming – his older brother speaking of death was horrifying him.

Seungmin saw his youngest sibling's teary eyes and was both desperate and mad. Desperate because his mind couldn't came up with a conclusion, why his perfect brother was saying such things today and similar to Jeongin he was afraid to his bones to lose another family member. Woojin was only talking, but he seemed so different. He was the pillar holding their family, if something would happen to him, if he was losing his mind or a change occurred for their small family – Seungmin wasn't sure if he could live on anymore. It terrified the law student in such a manner that he wasn't sure if the cold spreading out from his heart and freezing his whole body was a shielding method his body did to keep him sane, sane from his mind melting and him losing himself. Or the effect of his heart slowly giving up, realizing if Kim Woojin their pillar wasn't there anymore he just could die on the spot. And he was mad. Mad at his older brother to put Jeongin, even if it was him joking in a disgusting way, through his behavior. 

It wasn't an overreaction what the boys were afraid of. A fresh wind of change might be for others positive, but for the Kims a wind of change was like a tornado ready to tear down the small little happiness all three of them had built up during these years. And the siblings were ready to fight, holding tight to their brothers hands to not let them be separated. And if one was being swept away, they would still hold on to him until all of them were inside the bullseye.

“Woojin whatever is troubling you, we overcome it together as before – as one family. I can move back home if you want to. But don't do this to Jeongin. Look at our brother, you are scaring him.”

The medical student had a conflicted expression, a sad smile was escorting it. 

“Yes you are right. I am sorry, I guess it's better we don't try a risky method, which is still in a developing phase.” after breathing out he continued, his face empty again from emotions “Maybe a sleep specialist?! There is a good one here in Seoul. I will try to make an appointment for you as soon as possible.”

“No need.” 

Felix was observing Woojin the whole time. There was no possibility his friend would ever speak without meaning his words, or even joke about death. The blond was desperate. Desperate to take every risk possible. Until he would get an appointment at a specialist and his treatment would be concluded and it would actually help – Felix was afraid he would break completely until then. He trusted Woojin and was running out of options. Already questioning, doubting reality and his whole existence to the core. There wasn't a day, a moment where he could breathe with ease, without asking himself if the book he was holding was a dream, if the people who he met were real and if he himself was not a glitch of nature. Someone who shouldn't be there from the beginning, alive in a reality where he has nice friends and can dream about a future. 

“I trust you Woojin. What do you mean about dying?! So inside that world I will be in, I have to die to come back here again from my subconscious?”

The film student was avoiding 'to come back to reality'. He doubted this word the most.

“Lix please don't even consider this. If this is the requirement for you to get out, can't you think about the risk you are taking? Maybe your brain will take such a damage you will not recover from it again. And you getting away with a brain damage might be then the best luck you will get. What if - “

Hyunjin stopped himself. He couldn't continue the thought. 

“I said it before, it's not about you guys. I don't want any of you involved in this matter. Please don't give me the burden of letting you guys be in danger. A danger I - “ Felix voice was cracking, only the thought of his friends going through something risky and him being the cause, was pulling him down to the deepest layers of an abyss which was lurking around, ready to swallow him whole. “ - I was the one responsible for it. I can't breathe, live with this guilt.”

“And us watching you fall, into a pit we don't know what's even there, and not knowing if you can return or you might need help to do so. So we should live with this guilt?! You can't see us going into danger and we can't see you do the same thing. If you are setting your mind to it, going through hell, then we go together. There is no negotiating about this.”

To Changbin it was now more than clear, Felix will take this risk and so it was naturally he will stay at his side. He couldn't release any of his friends hands, especially not his. Binnie wanted to see again the sun shining within them and bathing in the warmth he couldn't imagine gone. 

“You are all so stubborn.” A deep breathe out. “So Woojin answer me please, what kind of death will it be?”

“Either you will die the death the parameters your subconscious set for this particular dream or after seeing enough, getting whatever answer you need to get ride of these nightmares, you can just …”

Woojin didn't need to speak further. They all understood it. It was “you can just commit suicide.”

Everything was freezing inside the room. Time stopped. The whole talk was crazy, madness – to go through such a lucid dream and to know death was the only exit. 

“Ok. So me preparing myself, is to train that there is only this kind of exit?! And to not forget about it, even inside my subconscious. A deep understanding I need to have, to be possible to use it to get out again?”

“Yes, you can say it like that. However, I will get you out if your body and mind is in a dangerous state. I will not let you all taking harm if you can't get out. On another note. You all might look different while being inside that lucid dream and as well you might be in a different time. You might recognize as historical, a real past but it is still only a dream. It is just your subconscious creating a surrounding which might be plausible, but whatever you need to discover has nothing to do with the setting you might be in. You said you saw a Hanbok?! We have to train you as well knowing a bit about the conduct you have to fulfill while being inside that dream. Because the people you will see might seem real – which they aren't. You can't give yourselves away with not knowing the how to behave natural in a universe set in a different time period. I will get the information to train you all to know at least the minimum, on how to deal with court and other mannerism important for a time you might be trapped in. Let's hope I will teach you phrases you might really need, as we are not even sure which era you might get in. I would say one month from today should be enough for strengthening your minds and your conduct. And you all must be open-minded. Without embracing the whole situation and taking it serious, the mission is doomed from the start. Time will work different when you are inside your subconscious as well. That's why you might spend a lifetime there, but it could be only a few hours maximum here in the real world. Also I still don't want you to do this Jeongin.”

“I see. Thank you Woojin.” 

For Felix it was not diving into a lucid dream but rather lucid reality. He hated the fact he couldn't distinguish dream and reality anymore. But that's what he automatically thought after Woojin said lucid dream. He corrected that word inside his mind, not dream – reality.

The rest of the boys stayed quiet. Their heads throbbed from a headache they couldn't get rid of, because the whole thing was delusional and with no rational straw to hold a construct which shouldn't be even discussed from the start.

However, Felix was determinate to give it a try. And most of them were sure they wouldn't go anywhere to begin with. This mission would crush from the start. There is no possibility for them all to met inside a dream world together. Especially not conscious. 

“I will not change my mind brother. If you try to hinder me, I will not talk to you ever again and I will run away from home, get myself a job as a stripper and will earn so much money until I can buy even sweet dreams for Felix, so he never has to go through nightmares again. Try me, and I'll show you all what I can do.”

It was fruitless to argue with Jeongin once he set his mind on something, they all knew it.  
But as soon as he talked about what he would do if he will be prohibited by his brother to go on this dangerous journey, Seungmin wanted to gag Jeongin to keep him away from going into such lengths. 

As no one of them would step out of this madness of a plan, because one of them - only one - would wanted to go through it, they set a date one month later. On a Saturday to take a road they might not taken from the start, if there wasn't one friend who wanted to stray on an unknown path. 

During this month Woojin was teaching them mannerism and phrases, they all wondered where the hell he knows about them. But without doubt they all trusted him. It was out of the question for anyone of the clique to distrust him, even if everything he said sounded unreal and crazy. 

Chan was also giving them a hand. Showing his friends how Woojin taught him how they had to lie down and breathe properly in a circle of bodies on the floor. As to dive into their subconscious and to open their minds.  
University, and their new lessons for the unknown journey took away their whole time and thus the month went by faster than they could imagine. 

“So please hold the hands next to your own, firm and close your eyes. You are safe, nothing can hurt you. You wish to dream, but you still now there is an anchor which you can grab if you feel like it. Whenever you want to come back, you can. Concentrate on your breathing and my words. Breath in and out, in and out, in and out, in and out. Imagine yourself lying on soft, freshly cut grass. Imagine the smell and the sun warming your skin. Imagine the warmth you feel. Imagine the blue sky and clouds above you. You are feeling safe, peaceful and serene.”

All the boys, except for Chan who was monitoring the circle of bodies of his friends on the floor, were listening to Woojin's words. Letting themselves being swept away by them and their own breathing pace. 

Woojin was talking in a calm and soothing voice, directly to their heart and soul.  
Soon everyone was drifting away, deeper and deeper inside their subconsciousness. 

Felix opened his eyes, he was trying to take in his surroundings. A foreign room was within his vision. He was sensing himself like always, but still he felt like he was different. Moonlight was flowing inside the room. His head was a little more heavy than usual, the blanket he was inside was warm and soft. The boy was breathing in and out before standing up from the sleeping place he was tugged in on the floor. They really did it. He was still Lee Felix but at the same time someone else. And he was somewhere Lee Felix. Somewhere where he couldn't exist from the start, but still came into consciousness.  
Finally he will get rid of his nightmares.


	13. The tales of lords seeking heaven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This time it took me a bit longer to update this work because I was searching for the perfect exact time period of ancient Silla history to fit my narrative. To my displease we are a little to early in time but it's still ok. We will stay for a couple of chapters inside this first established era of Silla, one of the three ancient kingdoms of Korea. The time period is around 34 BC-4AD.   
Starting with this chapter the boys might have other names but I will still address him with their own, even if they had woken up inside another body with another name. Only the people inside this dream, world, time line etc. will address them at first with other names, but I will try to keep it low as to not bring more confusion. 
> 
> Also important:
> 
> Jeongin, Jisung and Felix are starting with this arc inside the bodies of women. Meaning, they are still themselves as their souls kind of transmigrated, but their bodies are of the other gender. All other boys are inside a male body but not similar to themselves.   
Though their heights are still similar to their original bodies, Changbin even lost two centimeter.

“So you shitheads are telling me this is my body now?! Who did this?! I am so fucking hot. Look at me. Hey Hwang Hyunjin, I said look at me being a perfect male and female version of myself.”

Jeongin was enjoying himself a lot as he looked into the standing mirror. After waking up he realized he was trapped inside a woman's body. Not any kind of woman – an outstanding beauty with full lips, long luscious dark black hair, tied up into a firm big knot in the back of his head with a long silver pink gemstones ornamented flower hairpin, long eyelashes, mesmerizing big beautiful eyes and gorgeous body proportion. Yang Jeongin was perfect, even as a woman. 

“So where are the others?”, he continued while turning around in front of the bronze, flower ornamented mirror. Jeongin was placing his hand on the collar of his dress and tilted his head in, to look curiously at his body under the shirt of his long Hanbok. It was only an attempt without success from the start. As he had to open the well lanced, dark pine green shirt with its white collar and its white big sleeves. However, beneath that shirt was the wide pale lavender skirt, with its delicate, pallid, pink lace flowers tightly around Jeongin's chest and on top of that, there still was a white undergarment dress to overcome. 

Even if the peek he wanted to take was a hopeless one, Seungmin slapped with a firm hand the curious delicate, soft light fair hand of Jeongin away.

A pout followed on the younger's cherry painted lips.

“Kim Seungmin, how dare you touch my maiden's body?!” 

The air was filled with the announcement of a fight between the siblings and Hyunjin was thinking hard how to calm the atmosphere down, when suddenly some knocks on the door of the living room they were in could be heard. 

In shock they all stared at each other, unknowing what to do next. 

“Come in.”, Jeongin tried to keep his voice as stable as he could. 

The other two were nonverbal signaling him death threats. Especially Seungmin was fuming, how could his brother just nonchalant let any stranger in?! 

“My Lady Kim Jinseong, here is the tea.”

A servant, dark-haired with a handsome face and a gorgeous honey tanned skin tone entered the room. 

“Thank you my lord.” Jeongin was sure, as he himself had to be that Jinseong girl the male entering was her husband. In ancient times they called each other romantically my lady and lord! 

Seungmin was close to explode. It clearly was a servant how could his brother call that man my lord?!

“M-My Lady, as your subject I am heartbroken if I offended you.”

The poor young man was kneeling and begging for his life.

'Huh, I am single?! No husband? But I am beautiful and that guy looks good as well, maybe he is my lover? I have to have at least a lover!' 

Jeongin was pounding hard over that crucial matter, while the servant was as well wreaking his brain over the odd behavior of his lady.

“Ah, your Lady is so funny. Hahaha.”, Seungmin was laughing his soul off while nudging Hyunjin to follow his example which short after happened. 

Upon seeing the two scholars laughing hard the servant still remained confused, but accepted it had to be a way of joking only aristocrats would know about. 

“Yes Lady Jinseong was lightening up our mood the whole time. Your Lady is quiet skilled. I am deeply sorry I forgot your name servant?”, Hyunjin added.

“Ah yes our Lady is indeed a natural born entertainer. Don't worry high noble scholar Bak Jinheung, this servant of her Ladyship Seok Beolhyu doesn't deserve to be named within the lords and lady inside this room.” 

Beolhyu was still kneeling, his forehead touching the dark wooden floor as he continued to talk. 

“My Lord Kim Gaewon did you find what you were looking for?” If not, please allow this subject to help you.”

Confusion was spreading on the faces of the three boys. To whom was that servant talking?! Slowly after gazing at each other they realized, it could only be Seungmin. Flabbergasted Minnie pointed his left index finger at himself, wordless explaining to his two friends Kim Gaewon was him. 

Beads of sweat were forming on Jeongin's forehead. He prayed silently that he and his brother sharing again the surname Kim to be a high coincidence of fate. Uniting the brothers again as brothers.

With a slightly shivering voice he asked his servant, “Beolhyun, I forgot again what was my brother searching for?”

“My Lady who's brother?! You have a brother? Where is he and what kind of help does he need?”

The disturbed tall man was still with his hands and forehead on the floor. 

Jeongin's expression changed dramatically, the blood leaving his face for his skin color to turn to an almost ghostly unhealthy one. He was holding his stomach and was nonverbal suffocating hard. Barfing, signaling he was throwing up his whole existence. 

Husband??? No please no husband, for the love of god, no husband!

“Ah silly me I mean my husband haha.”, the female version of Jeongin was reaching even higher dolphin sounds than the male one.

Seungmin on the other hand was punching hard with his own left hand into his right palm, a highly distressed and angered face towards his brother, expressing he will smash him into oblivion if he wasn't shutting up. 

Which was only replied with Jeongin in a similar facial expression reaching with his right hand his own neck, explaining his brother he will the fuck choke him to death. 

Hyunjin remained as the sane person between the both of them, asking himself why he had to be stuck with the dumb fraction of his friends?!

Why couldn't he be with Felix or Jisung or Changbin or Minho or the moon?! Why was it with Seungmin and Jeongin?! Why couldn't they understand perhaps Kim was in that era as well a widely spread surname?!

“My Lady I don't understand the way nobles joke around. You mean you want a husband or there is a soon to be candidate you want to tell your subject about?”, Beolhyu was as lost with that allegation as the three people standing in front of him.

“Yes humor! You know I like to be funny haha. Ah funny me, funny me. No, no there is no candidate Beolhyu, I'd rather marry you than any other person inside this room.”

Not a stone, a whole mountain chain was falling from Jeongin's chest. They were not related! He and his brother only shared the same name and on top of that he was single. Freely to roam, freely to enjoy life. In what a great time he was trapped in! He was a lady, an aristocrat and an adult. Goodbye to his brothers telling him what to do. If Seungmin dared to boss him around he will let his brother be thrown out of his house. Jeongin was the lady of that mansion and he would decide the rules the others had to play along with.

Meanwhile Seungmin was hiding in shame his face inside his hands, crying in silence about his brother's behavior. The servant was already questioning his lady's odd attitude, but no his brother had to go over the top and state something daring like marrying his servant.

And Beolhyu really was shaking on the floor, his face already tainted in a dark shade of red. The lady was the most beautiful person alive and he would never overstep the huge gap which was separating them in status, even if he had sworn to himself after seeing Lady Jinseong for the first time his life and heart would forever belong to her.

“My Lord scholar Kim Gaewon the item my Lady keeps, the one you are searching for is being kept inside the room behind you.”

Seungmin was turning around, behind him was a tall and wide light wooden furniture, which seemed to be a dresser. However, this time he didn't want to raise more suspicion upon them so he asked, “Beolhyu, would you please be so nice and bring forth the item I was searching for?”

“Of course my Lord.”, fast on his feet the servant went towards the dresser, opened it and moved the clothes away to push on the wooden back part of the furniture, to open a secret room. It was a door, a door to a room behind the dresser. 

For the tenth time within minutes all three of the boys were shocked. Still Jeongin pulled himself together first and stepped inside the room. 

To the displease of his friends. How could Jeongin be so bold?! What if there was someone hiding inside that room? Someone with the intention to kill them? Or any other trap?

But after entering, the youngest of them was sure he finally understood why he was a single lady.

Inside that big secret room were tons of scrolls placed inside of shelves. There was no free space on the walls because of them. A big wooden table in the middle of the room and four chairs as well candles were the only other things inside that room. 

'I am a lady spy. A cool lady spy keeping secrets.', happily Jeongin went to one shelf to gaze at some scrolls, but before he could open them his action was interrupted by his servant's words. 

“Here it is my Lord. The tales of lords seeking heaven.”, Beolhyu was holding inside his right hand a scroll and pointing with it towards Seungmin's direction. 

'The tales of lords seeking heaven'?! What kind of legend could this be?! 

As Seungmin was thinking, he received the scroll and was loosing the tie holding the paper together. Hyunjin was looking curiously behind his friend's right shoulder and Jeongin as well joined Seungmin's left side to take a glimpse of what was hidden inside. 

His face dropped. Seungmin wanted to faint on the spot, while his brother was laughing hard next to him. Hyunjin was shocked as well. 

'The tales of lords seeking heaven' was a scroll full of pornographic pictures of lords seeking heaven with each other. 

Seungmin was shaking, he wasn't trapped inside a body which might have been the husband of his own brother. He was a high noble, a scholar accompanied by another male, another high noble scholar searching for gay pornographic pictures. 

'Why did you have to follow your friends inside this bizarre world Kim Seungmin?! Was there ever a good thing happening to you after following the idiots?!', Minnie was questioning his life choices again. What a great world, dream, whatever it was!

Why were these things happening to him?! Felix should the fuck wake up, wherever he was, discovering whatever they came here for and Minnie would gladly take his own life to exit this place.

Inside of Kim Seungmin's head where options how to take his life and free himself from the embarrassment he felt.


	14. I gift you the King

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So we will stay as announced a few chapters inside this arc. I hope while reading I could make myself clear that they woke up within a slightly different time period from each other. Meaning the three cuties waking up in the body of another gender had sometimes hours or a day before getting accustomed to their new body. Why is this important? Because I wanted to show different stages of being inside the body of another gender. Still all of them are respectful towards the other gender of their new body. I would just need the double amount of words on explaining each of Jeongin, Jisung and Felix feelings upon waking up in the vessel of a woman's body and it would maybe drag the story more than perhaps I already sometimes unconsciously do.  
Anyhow, it is the time period of ancient Silla. Actually about the first king founding it. Though I am using historical names and will use some historical proven facts inside this arc, I still will fabricate a lot. I needed a time period to put the harem in and a setting where the king and queen are related. Lol yes another harem in one of my stories, though I have this idea for this story around eight months or so way earlier than the other one.  
Just to clarify it:  
As it is mostly fictional and not a story with historical facts I will call that brother-sister marriage fake. So no children, never had intimacy between them. I don't like cousin, brother-sister or any kind of weird family romantical plots.  
We will still as well stay a bit more inside Felix POV for several reasons. However this first story and second part of the series will be though more Changlix and Minsung focused still a lot OT9 plus Lucas POV one. They all have their tale to tell and I will go deeper and switch later on more the POV's of the characters. 
> 
> Until this arc ends - and from now one starting with each historical arc I will write about - there will be at the end of each chapter names. Like a cheating sheet to look up if the names will get confusing or a thought will poop up who is who again. I will promise I'll hold myself back with too much irrelevant characters. Though on that 'sheet' only important names will be added and really not many.

Felix tried to comprehend the sensation being inside a foreign body. It felt like being and at the same time not. The boy wondered what happened to the real host of that body while focusing on his outstretched left arm, repeatedly turning it up and down. Though the skin color was more fair than his, the limbs were thin as his with small hands.  
Where there two souls in one vessel right now? Was the real host sleeping somewhere inside this body and he was the only one with a consciousness? Or maybe he took over the body completely, annihilated the other being? That thought scared Felix a lot. The initial idea behind this journey was to get rid of his nightmares, to find out were their roots were and not possess foreign bodies. However, he still didn't know where he was. It looked like an ancient, historical setting, but than again History wasn't his forte.  
Woojin's words haunted his thoughts again. He told them before they went on this journey that they will land in a world which might seem real but isn't. They will land inside a dream or a bizarre scenario of their subconscious was setting up. Or rather Felix's one was setting up.  
Still this body felt like his own, he had control over it, but it still wasn't his. A foreign feeling. He was anxious because of that new sensation, not feeling completely comfortable at all. Perhaps he needed more time to accustomed to his new vessel. 

The Australian was searching his surroundings for a mirror or a shiny surface where he could look at him.  
Sure the thought at touching the body had crossed the boy's mind. Nevertheless, he had tossed it away as soon as it reached him. Lix didn't want to disgrace the owners body, regardless of its gender. 

Knocking sounds could be heard and Felix was startled. His subconscious reminded him of his nightmare where he was trapped alive inside a coffin. 

“Queen Aryeong and Minister Hongong would like to visit Lady Unje, if my Lady is awake.”, a deep, warm timbre came from the other room in front of to the sleeping place he had woke up earlier. 

In panic and instinctively the boy looked to his left shoulder, then up to the ceiling, to his right shoulder and finally diverted his gaze to the wooden floor. No Lady was here. As if a woman would lay next to his feet on the ceiling, waiting to make her opening in this bizarre scenario. 

Felix heart sped up. An even bigger shock came to him as he heard a sliding sound. Perhaps it came from a similar sliding dark wooden door with hard paper cutouts as the one a few steps away from him. 

“My Queen Aryeong, dear estimate Minister Hogong.”, a nervous and genuinely submissive voice from a woman came from the other room. 

There was a woman the whole time next to him inside the other room. Felix assumed it was that Lady Unje. He was freezing right on the spot, too afraid to even breath for not giving away his location. 

Tears blurred his vision and his heart already beating to its maximum capacity, drumming hard inside his ears. The film student again reached out with his right index and middle finger to feel the comforting pulse under the skin of his neck. He panicked and needed to calm himself down. Lix missed his brother. Minho would know how to keep a cool head in a situation like that. 

“No need. We are entering ourselves inside.”, another woman's voice. A soft, warm honey tone but still with determination and authority oozing from it. 

The queen, perhaps? 

A familiar cold sensation of ice seized his body, while his skin was burning and tingling everywhere. He was shaking hard. 

Inside where? Here where he was? Oh god no, please don't. 

Felix mind went blank. He couldn't recall what Woojin had taught them before their transmigration. 

How to behave again? Especially how to behave in front of a queen?

Another shock with the impact of him watching a comet entering the atmosphere. Horrified, he watched the door to his room being opened. 

His already weak legs, gave away, and he landed on the floor, out of instinct he crouched into a floor bowing position with his face towards the ground. 

“Lady Unje?”, again that man's voice which sure addressed the other woman still was in the room behind them. 

“Wait outside, we want to be in private.”, the queen demanded and soon the other woman left with an apology.

'No don't go Lady Unje. Don't leave me! It's your boy Felix here, alone with a queen and a minister and no clue who he himself is right now. I don't even know my name.'

Another idea struck him. That's right. Although the other names seemed Korean, he could also be a foreigner. But who was he? A servant for sure. A Lady needs a servant. But why would they want to speak to the servant alone? They will beat him up! They came to capture and torture him, he had been found out! Of course! He had to transmigrate into the body of a troublemaker. How unlucky!

“Felix stand up.”

How many heart attacks where still planned for him? But this one made comforted him a bit. 

How lucky! Lix woke up in the body of a dude also called Felix. Happily he rose up again to stand on his feet. 

With a confidence booster and determinate to act as natural as he could as not to awake their distrust.

What gorgeous people were standing before him. So this is how beautiful aristocrats look like up close? An air of loftiness around him, being inside what he could only guess high quality fabrics and fine golden jewelry.

“My Queen, how can this servant be of your use?”

His voice! Felix thought at first someone else had spoken the words he wanted to say. A way higher tone than his usual one, though still not that high. Could have been an alto voice timbre? Thanks god to his music production student friends he was quiet familiar with music terms and definitions.

“So your voice is even here deep.”

Suddenly Lix felt pity for the beautiful queen. Poor her, she looked young but had already hearing problems. 

“But no servant, Lady Unje.”, the woman continued. 

“But my Queen you sent Lady Unje away.”

“No.”

Another lightening struck him. Boom! There was still another woman inside the room? But he had even searched the ceiling for other people. 

'Oh god please no! Don't let my great subconscious have created a nightmare world with supernatural beings?! Or we are in a past or parallel universe with monsters?'

Felix searched again his surroundings, moved his whole body as if he was a kitten unsure where to jump next to. 

The minister guy Hogong started to laugh whole heartily.

The Australian was shaken up again. He sure looked like an idiot and draw suspicious upon him.

The freckled boy gained again a normal posture and with a bit of confidence he waited for the others to speak up first. This might be better, than him acting strange or speaking nonsense.

“Felix sweety, look down to your own chest.”

Wow this queen Aryeong was something. Speaking to her subordinates so nonchalant and that minister Hogong reminded the Australian of someone he knew. His brother Minho was a similar rather stoic person. 

Nevertheless, he did what he was told and the tenth or so shock of the night smacked him. This time Felix couldn't hold his composure anymore and he was flipping out. 

He was a 'she'. This Felix was a woman. The boy was glad he really didn't touch this body after waking up to this bizarre universe. Yes his consciousness was fucking with him. Why did he came up in this nightmare with something like this? Did he secretly wanted to be a woman? Was this all about it? No, this sure was not the reason for his nightmares and maybe only Freud could help him analyze the meaning of this. He was very happy with his own body, he felt great as a man. Nevertheless if he would ever feel wrong to identify himself as a male and he would start to be unhappy and couldn't accept it anymore, he was sure he had no problem in pursuing his happiness. The body, doesn't matter how it looks like was not what defined a person. His soul was Felix. He was a Korean born in Australia, Lee Felix. Not his dyed blond hair or his freckles or his height or his voice was the core of himself. I was a mere shell, still one he was happy with and proud of accepting and loving every feature of it. Sure sometimes he wasn't satisfied with his weight. Like recently, he wanted to be healthy and he tried to gain again weight. Felix was aware of him losing weight was due to his stress, the nightmares and anxieties. That's why he tried his best to work on himself daily, even if he failed a lot of times. Lix didn't want to give up, he wanted to be happy again so he stood up again and again trying in his own pace to make himself happier. Though his main problem were his vivid nightmares, creating a living hell for him. Felix felt fortunate because he could find comfort within his wonderful friends. However, he was happy with his gender and body the majority of times. He remembered an article of a speech he and his brother read a while ago online. It was an article an advocates of transgender woman Sass Rogando Sassot. Though Lix could only recall what the speech was about in his own words there were some words of her that were branded until today in his mind.

“I am not trapped by my body. I am trapped by your beliefs. And I want to reclaim this body from those who want it to breathe and be fed by their dogmas.”

Sass speech was touching and Felix himself couldn't even imagine the hardship a transgender person was going through until deciding to take the first step in persuading their own happiness. However what he felt they were brave. Brave enough to face themselves and a society who is still too ignorant and narrow minded. Ah, he was trailing again away in his own thoughts. How long was he gone from reality? No wait, he had to remind himself again, Woojin already told them this world wasn't real. It felt like reality but it wasn't. Or maybe they did something wrong? Perhaps they were catapulted in time and they transmigrated into the past or something like that. 

Anyhow, Felix was pulled back fast upon hearing the laughter of the minister. He sure looked stupid right now, being shocked because of the revelation of him being a woman. 

'Be normal. They aren't real. Be normal.'

Lix cleared his throat, “My Queen, I see nothing wrong with my chest. Perhaps you help this subordinate of yours and tell me what is wrong with my chest?”

'Ah, I did great. Minho would be proud of me presenting such a smart move in this severe situation.'

“Who are you?”, the Queen seemed impatient.

'Oh no they found out. What to do? Denying it right? Denying it, yes!'

“I am Felix, a woman and your subordinate.”

The boy said it with the best poker face and the most confident tone he was capable of.

Well, that Hongong dude was getting on his nerves. That guy was laughing even harder right now and Felix hoped he chocked on his laughter. 

“Felix you dumbass, it's me. Look I have the same things as you. Though mines are bigger. I guess who has the biggest boobs is the queen here.”

How many heart attacks were still prepared for him? This strange woman was touching her chest showing it to him. And yes it was her, the Queen. Lix already was aware. She didn't have to touch herself to prove they were both woman.

“Minho I saw you looking at them. Don't you dare touch me or I will castrate you in this world and as soon as we get back in the other one as well! I am so done with you asshole.”

Well Minho was done with Jisung too. How could he grab himself in that way? He also hated subconsciously gazing his way after Jisung started to put his hands on his chest, but it wasn't intentionally. 

“Jisung???”

“Well aren't you a smarty-pants?! Felix, a woman? And even with the same name as you in what seems an ancient world? Bitch why are you so dumb?!”

Lix cheeks started to burn, though he was in a messed up situation from the start. It wasn't his fault for overthinking and misinterpreting things. 

“And why are you touching yourself? Don't you have any respect for the person's body you are in?”

“Who said this isn't my body? I am inside right? So it's mine. Ah say, are your boobs as soft as mine? Let's compare.”

Felix instinctively guarded his chest with his arms. It was unnecessary anyway, because his bother captured Jisung's outstretched left arm by his wrist.

“Minho, the fuck! I said don't touch me, you opportunist.”

“Can you please stop accusing my brother of shit? You are the opportunist here.”

Lix rolled his eyes upon his best friend's behavior. 

“Ha, me?! Well. Well, here you go Lix. I woke up as you did, just realizing earlier I am a woman, and who is lying next to me?! Yes, your brother. If I told you he is the biggest hater of my love life before, it was an understatement. Only one day later -”

“After you slapped me a couple of times.”

“Hush, I am telling my suffering now -”

“Punched me right in the face.”

“And? Did I hurt you? You look fine! Imagine being me, waking up with another man inside my bed. Actually I was quite happy because I thought finally I have a hottie next to me. But no, it had to be you Lee Minho. Don't stare at me like that! I know you wouldn't hurt a woman. You aren't capable of hurting me even in my male shape.”

“Yes. But we know what Woojin told us. If we die here we just return. So how about it Han Jisung?”

“Shut up. The world isn't turning around you. We are here for your brother, did you forget? I swear stupidity is running as deep as the brother bond between you two.”

“Oh my god, Jisung shut up. I am already having a headache from this entire world, I don't need your dramatic ass as well. Did any of you figure out where we are or who we really are?”

Felix was happy he found two of his friends, but the happiness was gone as everything around him was spinning more and more with confusion. 

“Yes your brother was for once helpful. But I wish he revealed nothing. This is a fucking nightmare!”

With a disgusted face Jisung shook his head. 

“What? Why?” 

Panic was showing itself again on Lix's face.

“As I said, he is an opportunist. It seems we have a child together. I can't breathe. Minho and I - we have a child. A boy addressing me as 'Mama'. The fuck this is hell.”

“Stop being dramatic. This world isn't real to begin with. And please who wants to have a child with you?!”

“Fuck you Lee Minho. There are tons of girls and boys who are dreaming about it.”

“Yes as a nightmare.”

“Could you both just shut up and stop it?! So you both woke up next to each other. Well congratulation, perhaps the bodies you both are in are happily married to each other. Don't you both dare to scare my nephew with your bickering. And dumbass you are the queen and woke up next to my brother as a king. How great is this? I don't even know who this body I am in belongs to.”

“Bitch I wish! I am a cheating hoe - a beautiful one though. Your brother isn't king. He is my side dish. Imagine what people will do finding out this ass laid his hands on me and even throw at me a kid! I am ruined. Thanks god we know the king wouldn't care.”

Jisung was in pain. The image of him giving birth to Minho's child in this nightmare delusional world. He wanted to throw up until nothing was left of him – not his blood, not his soul. He wanted to dissolve into the void.

“Why wouldn't the king care? ” 

Felix was again puzzled. Unless the guy was an understanding one and okay with an open relationship. 

“Because it's Changbin.” 

Minho was stoic as ever but as soon as he opened his mouth the facts slapped hard. 

“Binnie is the king? Ah that's great.” 

Flabbergasted Felix was relieved. If Changbin was the king, then their whole journey would go smoother. Suddenly his eyes widen.

“Wait, how did you know I am me?”

“Just a presumption. Changbin told us.”, his brother shrugged as all of this was nothing special to him. 

“Yes we just woke up yesterday and Binnie told us he woke up a few days before us. And then that fucker suggested we should start by checking up his first consort and then move to the other concubines. And I just called your name because you were the first to come up in my mind. Can you imagine? I am the queen who married a bastard having a harem. No wonder I was running into someone else's arms. I only wish it wasn't Minho.”

“What? Changbin has a harem?! Wait that first consort don't tell me it's me?!”

“Ah sweety sit down, your luck is not the best. Why is it always our Felix getting such a fate?!”

Jisung was covering his mouth with his right hand and his eyes glistened, as if he was crying for his best friend. He continued to explain himself.

“Here a first consort, back home the floor as your soulmate. I pity you.”

“Jiji you are scaring me. Please tell me what's wrong, stop joking around.”

Felix was already sitting on the bed on the dark wooden ground and the other two joined him. He was petrified. What could his fate be?

“Okay, I am sorry baby. Well, I am not the only one.”

“The only one?”

Holding Lix's left hand into his right and slowly caressing it with his free left hand, Han tried his best to be as sensitive as he could. A deep sigh.

“I am not the only one who has children Lixie.”, softly he answered and gazed into the other's lovely eyes. Felix host body was a stunning beauty. The music student even questioned himself if it wasn't just an exact female version of his best friend, minus the best feature he had - his freckles. 

Felix sensed he was already leaving this vessel to return to his own body. 

“Just shut it and let me explain. You are confusing him even more. As if children are important here. We came to help Lix.”

Minho snatched his brother's hand from Jisung and placed it into his own, gaining a pout from Han. Though he didn't care much and Minho as well started to caress his brothers hand who seemed to have reached the peak of his confused state. Slowly he started to explain to Felix, that he as well had children. In fact he had four with the king also known as Changbin. Upon this revelation, the Australian almost chocked on air because he was hastily trying to breathe.  
His brother told him again and again this world wasn't real anyway and Changbin or anyone of them even didn't look like their real appearance. After calming Lix down, Minho continued to tell him what they figured out so far. It wasn't a lot but still a start.

“We met actually the three other concubines before coming to you as we heard the first consort is with a fever in bed. And none of them are Seungmin, Hyunjin or Jeongin.”

“Or frankly spoken, one is an arrogant bitch and one is just odd, way to nice – in a creepy way. And the last one is a sweetheart but not the lightest bulb out here.”

“Jisung you sound horrible.”

“Lix believe me, I am sure I sense evil emitting out of them. I watched enough dramas around concubines being thirsty for power. I know what I am talking about.”

But before Felix could disagree with his best friend telling him dramas are dramas and reality or this weird world like reality might be different, knocks again shock him to his core. 

He hated knocking sound!

“Excuse my intrusion but the king is asking for his first consort.”, the voice of the woman from earlier reached them. 

“Right now in the middle of the night?”, Jisung harshly inquired. 

“I am sorry my Queen, I am only a mere messenger.”

“Yes, don't worry. I and the minister will escort Lady Unje personally to the king.”

“As you wish my Queen.”

After the woman left Jisung furiously exclaimed, “I can't believe it! He even doesn't know yet for sure if you are you and he is asking for his first consort in the middle of the night! Wait until I lecture him. Fucking unbelievable. No wonder this queen was chosen upon her chest size.”

Felix on the other hand stayed quiet. He was happy to met with another friend, but right now everything confused him and he felt awkward. Moreover after the other two explained to him what they knew about himself and this world. 

How could he face Binnie right now?!

The Australian tried to cool his burning cheeks down with his own hands. 

Jisung rolled his eyes. 

“Come let's go. Don't worry, I am the queen and I will gift you the king. I don't want nor need him anyway.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Silla, 34 BC:
> 
> Changbin: King Bak Hyeokgeose, founder of the Silla kingdom - as to be first recorded as a kingdom in history.
> 
> Jisung: Queen (Lady) Aryeong, said to be the sister of the king and his wife.
> 
> Minho: Minister Hogong
> 
> Felix: Lady Unje, first consort
> 
> Jeongin: Lady Kim Jinseong
> 
> Hyunjin: Noble scholar Bak Jinheung
> 
> Seungmin: Noble scholar Kim Gaewon
> 
> Seok Beolhyu: Jeongin's loyal servant


	15. I woke up to be aware of you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sorry for the late update. Somehow I feel so good to see that this story can be updated within my own pace as not so many people are reading it. However, it has some bookmarks and I feel bad for those who may think about this story and a future update due to me being irresponsible. I love this story a lot as it has a rather unique and big plot behind it. So even if only one person is reading it I should at least update it regularly and not slack off. That's why I will update again in a rather weekly manner.

Felix was feeling nervous as he tried to keep up with the other's pace while walking down the long softly but badly lighted corridor. There were people, servants maybe, standing with candles to their left and right as they passed. Even though the freckled boy didn't know which time it was, he knew it was damn late. Still those people were standing straight with their face down, the candlelight illuminated their faces in a kind of creepy way and the boy shivered, he almost fell. 

'Damn how to walk in those shoes and clothes' he thought, while he had kept his balance after tripping. 

His brother noticed it and immediately stopped while looking at him with concern.

“Are you all right?” he whispered as Felix caught up. 

“Yes, it's just hard to move inside those shoes.” the boy whispered back, still feeling strange and unfamiliar with his new voice.

“What are the both of you doing? Come one, we don't want to let the king wait.”

Jisung rushed them from ahead. After they passed another corridor with again people standing on the sides, Felix who was finally next to his friends was eager to ask his best friend something he had noticed. 

“Jiji -”

“Hush, you dummy”, Jisung hissed to his right in a low voice. 

“Call me my Queen or big sister or stuff like that. Don't you see there are people everywhere. Even if they might seem like some statues, their eyes and ears are sharp as their tongues. My god you are a film student, and we have seen tons of such series! Concentrate will you!” he continued in an almost inaudible tone to scold the Australian. 

Felix glanced to his right shoulder to Minho and as his brother seem to keep quiet, he assumed Jisung wasn't overreacting and rather right with his precaution. He sighed. 

“Which one?” now he whispered as well and even tried to emphasis to a deeper tone within his voice and get more comfortable inside his new body.

“Which one what?”

“Which one should I use, my Queen or big sister?”

“Hm, try first my Queen.”

“Okay.”

“Now and loud.”

“What? Why?”

“Just do it already.”

Felix wanted so badly to roll his eyes but he was holding back. 

“My Queen ...” he started in an insecure and semi loud voice.

“Oh my, my! My dear little sister Unje. I told you to call me big sister. Haha.”

His laughing sounded so fake to the freckled boy's ears and was more of a 'HoHo' nature than a 'HaHa'. Like those fake bad characters in anime and as well the way Jisung was holding his right backhand in front of his mouth while doing so and of course the way his shoulders went up in a shaking motion. Yeah sure, Han knew what he was doing.

Minho next to him exhaled. He could literally feel his pain and internal screaming, he felt bad for himself and his brother. 

Finally they were reaching a huge double door, made of fine dark wood and on each side stood two guards, well armed. In front of the door was a man, with a bent upper body and a way too big smile and in more colorful clothes than the freckled boy had seen on the other servants. The way the man behaved and with his hands ready to open the door for them seemed like a personal servant to the king or some kind of eunuch or the Naesi how they would have been called in a later dynasty within Korea. Though Felix had seen a lot of historical series with Jisung, as they were Jisung's favorite genre, he wasn't sure what kind of time period this looked like. Could have been the right one for the Naesi system or another. He only knew they appeared quite late, or that's what his brain remembered from his history classes and books. 

“My Queen, what an honor to personally accompany Lady Unje. Unfortunately the king called only for our dear Lady.” 

The guy still had his way too wide smile on, and it was creeping Felix literally out. He felt the urge to feel his pulse next to his throat. 

Jisung stared with an expression at the man as if he wanted to say, 'Really? Just watch me.' and he nonverbal waved with his left hand for the man to open the door for them.

The servant, still bent, was about to protest but a deep, foreign voice to Felix came from behind the double door.

“We allow it. They can pass.” 

“As you wish my King. My Queen.”

The man bowed deeply until all of them were inside before he closed the door behind them. 

The room was huge, barely lit, with a spacious bed or rather sleeping place with wide blankets and pillows in the middle backside of the room. In front of the bed was a kind of filigree folding screen made of shining metal strands going together like they were knitted into a beautiful form. 

In front of that room divider stood a dark brown cherry wooden floor table packed with lots of delicious looking food and beverages, and two golden shining pillows with a gorgeous embroidered design on two also dark brown cherry wooden floor chairs with a backrest, placed to each other's opposite. A bit away from the table were two wide stairs as the whole resting place seemed to be on a big wooden platform of the same wood and color as the furniture on it. Before the stairs stood a tall man in a what seemed expensive attire with a golden embroidered red long and wide overcoat with a poise posture and his hands folded behind his back. 

A kind of golden small crown towering up was situated in the middle of his head with long black hair. His clean looking trimmed full beard added a seriousness and maturity to the kings demeanor accompanied with dark brown serious, intelligent looking eyes. 

And only looking into those and Felix already knew this was Changbin. Sure he was informed the king was him and that man who looked a lot older than the usual Changbin he knew was nothing like him from the outside and screamed 'I am the nations ruler'. However, the aura around the king, the way he looked at him made him recognize his friend - even with the blindfold which was a physical body to each soul. His heart knew it, this was his Binnie or maybe it was because he was a tiny bit biased towards one of his best friends, who made him feel warm and secure each time he was with him. 

Minho stood next to Felix's right side and wasn't impressed much of Changbin's new host body. He rather pitied his friend. What a fate, being stuck inside a kings body who lived within an early dynasty gave Changbin for once height.   
People there seemed to be a bit shorter than the people living in their own timeline back home and still the males were taller than Changbin's normal height. It was like fate played with his good friend. Even being a king he still was shorter than Minho's host body himself.   
Well, Minho shrugged it off, he didn't want to stay anyway long enough inside this bizarre universe. Just to help his brother and get back was his main goal, and the only thought important to him at the moment. 

“My dear husband!”

A honey, cheerful voice left Jisung, both Lee brothers were astonished and looked in an almost unison motion to the left. What great manners from Han Jisung, even his arms were folded to a kind of respectful greeting in front of his body which left the others in awe. Did Woojin teach them this posture? Felix panicked a bit, he really wasn't paying much attention to his friends teaching even if he tried, he ended most of the time distracted. His best friend was really something else.   
Minho as well praised Jisung in silence.   
Well at least for a short amount of time, because upon seeing the face he made towards Changbin was enough to let the praises die again.   
That fake ass! Minho knew it.

They all had the door behind their backs and were facing the king, their posture could be seen through the hard paper cut out wooden door and their voices could be heard, so the servants outside sure were pleased with the manners of their queen. 

However, Jisung's facial expression after he spoke that sentence to Changbin was one of throwing up. He even raised the right hand of his folded arm to put his index finger inside his mouth. Yeah, Minho was too early with praising his childish friend, though he could understand somehow Han's reaction. He would also want to throw up after calling Changbin or another of his friends 'my dear husband'.

Felix rolled his eyes seeing his best friend's behavior but was perplexed upon seeing Changbin answering the same as Jisung.   
With a disgusted face he said in a polite tone, “My dear Queen, thank you for escorting Our Lady Unje to Us. My dear Hogong please accompany Our beloved Queen back to rest. We trust you to watch upon her and Our son closely.”

Hearing Minho escorting him back and again that brat, which was clearly the queen's and that Hogong dude's child and not the king's – Jisung almost could pass out on the spot.   
He hated his current position.   
Dear god why again Lee Minho? Why was he messing with his love life even in a strange world, past life, transmigration, Felix's bizarre subconscious world or whatever this was where they were stuck in?

Though it can't be something his best friend made up. Because for the love of god, why would Lee Felix subconsciousness come up with such an universe of torture?

Almost identical thoughts of agony were playing inside of Minho's head as well. Everything was a mess, a nightmare. If it wasn't his brother's mental health which was at stake, he would have just killed himself happily to escape that hell and return to his world. 

“Thank you for your thoughts, my Lord.” 

Jisung answered and nonverbal moved his left index finger towards the king and then his own throat to signal Changbin with an angered face he will kill him.   
The agonized boy just turned around to leave and stopped on progressing forward to pat Felix shoulder with a compassionate face. His poor best friend had the worst fate of them all. 

“Please be nice to my nephew Jiji. Don't traumatize the poor child, you are both his parents.”

The freckled boy almost inaudible whispered the advice towards his friend. 

Han's heart froze. Again back stabbed, and he had sympathized with him only a moment before. To make him recall again that child.

“You should watch yourself. Don't spread your legs and bear the king a fifth child.”

He also returned in an almost inaudible voice, not even Minho could catch his words. Which was good anyway because the bad luck of his love life impersonated in Lee Minho would nag about this for a whole month if he had heard Jisung's words! 

The Australian almost choked again on the air and breathed heavy upon being reminded his host body had children with Changbin's one! And not only one, four! 

'Dear Lady Unje why are you rushing things like that? Cherish yourself a bit more!' he spoke silently with his host inside his mind.

The queen left with the minster in a graceful manner. Jisung really figured out how to walk and behave in his host body perfectly, even if he must have felt as strange as Felix being trapped inside someone elses body and on top of that with not only a foreign feeling but one kind of completely new and foreign as it was the body of the opposite sex. Han Jisung was remarkable, the freckled boy praised his friend inside his head. 

After a moment of silence, he looked ahead and saw the king staring with an intense gaze at him. 

Oh right Changbin! And their children!

Panicking inside he searched the room for a way to jump out. Or perhaps he should end this, return to his world? No he had to figure out why he had those strange nightmares. 

So embarrassment, devour me!

He closed his eyes, cheeks on fire, heart beating as if it wanted to jump out of his eardrums, he breathed loudly out and placed his index- and middle fingers of both of his hands on each side of his carotid artery to calm himself down. 

Again some soothing heartbeats of silence passed. Felix felt better but was suddenly startled by a foreign voice. 

“Did you eat?” 

A soft, caring voice. After he opened his eyes, he saw a man he didn't know.   
But that wasn't quite true. The way the foreign tone and words were empathized pulled him back to reality that this was his Binnie. The friend who he cared a lot about and in return who took good care of him too with words and acts. 

“Are you hungry?”

Changbin repeated. This time his voice was even more comforting than before. 

“Yes, I am starving.”

Felix sweetly smiled at him. 

“Then let us eat Lixie.” 

Beaming with a gorgeous smile on him - even in a foreign body - and inviting him nonverbal to take a seat at the full loaded floor table, Felix heart felt at ease right away. 

“Try this. And those are so delicious filled as well! I tried some of these dishes while you still were with your fever in bed. I wanted to give you a good meal as soon as you wake up.” 

Changbin was so energetic and cheerful while he loaded Felix plate with different delicious stuff, Felix melted right away. Happiness refueled his tired body because of his cute friend. 

No big words were spoken while they dined, only a few 'thank you' and Changbin's enthusiastic caring and loading Felix plate with delicious food. 

“I am too full. I can't eat anymore Binnie, thank you.”

“Okay, do you need something else?”

“No, no. I am totally pleased right now. I never thought food could make me even in another body that happy.”

Changbin had a warm smile on his face because of that remark. Felix was an easy-going guy and little things were already making him happy. He adored that side of his friend. No matter how sad he was, he could be easily pulled back up. Like a skipjack, even if he had been bruised by the hook he was ready to fight and jump out of his misery. 

The freckled boy was a pure soul, a bighearted angel without a bad thought or harm within him towards others. That's why Changbin loved to take care of him when others could see and in silence when even Felix himself wasn't aware of it. He wanted his friend to not change and to shield him from harm. In addition, this was a personality trait Binnie had actually for all of his friends, not knowing that he himself was the bighearted angel too.

“Do you want to take a bath? I let them prepare a nice warm bath for you. Though I guess it is lukewarm by now, I am sorry.”

“No, it's okay. I mean I would kind of love to take a bath, but … “ 

Felix hesitated and gnawed a bit on his bottom lip before he continued. 

“You know this body isn't mine and I feel bad for disrespecting the real owner of it.”

His friend was indeed an angel! Changbin's heart was growing warm.

“Yes I feel you. I thought and still think the same, as well as Jisung and Minho. But you know you are you. Lee Felix the one inside of the body and the body is not a part of you. This might be true but it is also without its owner. We still don't know how long we might be here. A month or more or less and Woojin said already time flows normally in this new place we are in, but back at home time barely breathes. Even if this whole setting is a dream or really inside our or your subconsciousness, we should respect the new bodies we have, I agree with that. Still, you have to pee and you have to eat and sleep and bath if you want to cherish this body by keeping it healthy. Wouldn't you disrespect the soul missing inside of it by not taking proper care of their body?”

While his friend was speaking, the Australian was attentive listening to him. He deeply thought about the words which made sense and sighed finally. 

With a mischievous smile he answered, “I said to you a few days ago what a smart 'boyfriend' I have. The upgrade came faster than expected. What a smart 'husband' I have.”

“Please just be quiet. You ruined the moment. Go take your bath.”

Changbin cringed upon hearing his friends words. Still a particular spreading heat under his skin remained which had nothing to do with him feeling uncomfortable, at least not in a negative way.   
Next to the huge sleeping place of the right end side of the room was an opening to another chamber. A spacious bathroom. A big wooden bath tub with an arousing smell of flowers to the still steaming bath water entered Felix nostrils. 

“Here you go. Call if you need something.”

“How about you help me bath?” 

The Australian wiggled playfully with his eyebrows. 

Changbin blushed right away and didn't reply and only went fast out of the room. 

Felix laughed out. In whatever form Binnie was stuck in, he still loved to see the boy getting embarrassed. Baby Changbin was too cute blushing easy upon his words. 

He apologized a few times to his body's original host before he stripped off his clothes and dipped himself in the still warm water. 

Thanks to the oily and wonderful fragrant texture of the water, he additionally relaxed inside the wooden tub. There he soaked for half an hour with his eyes closed before he moved out of the water. After the meal and bath he rather felt tired and was ready to slip back into his clothes. 

Right, clothes! He forgot to bring some fresh clothes to change in. 

Felix already apologized again as he saw something in the room's corner. On a small stool were some clothes neatly folded. 

A smile formed on his face. His friend thought about everything! After drying himself with a not so fluffy bath towel as he was normally used to, he changed into his new attire. With white-golden clothes he left the bathroom back to the main chamber. 

“You want to sleep?” 

“Mhm.”

“Then come.”

Changbin opened the wide snow white blanket where he already was tucked in. 

This had to be karma! The Australian thought as a blush was announcing its way. It was not the first time he was sleeping in the same bed as Changbin or one of his friend and actually he loved sleeping together and skinship a lot. But at that moment his heart was beating fast, and he was getting nervous. 

“Shouldn't I go back to my room?”

“Why?”

“I don't know, it might be inappropriate.”

“You are inside the body of the first consort of the king who called you to spend the night together.” 

Changbin playfully winked at him. 

Yep, this was for sure karma hitting him in the butt for being that confident a while back in the bathroom. 

“Yes, true.” 

The freckled one muttered and tried his best to stay a bit farther away from his friend than usual. 

“Is something wrong?”

“No, why?”

“You are so far away.”

“...”

“Do you feel uncomfortable or are you hurt somewhere?”

Changbin was alarmed as his friends behavior was unusual than normal. He turned to his left side to examine Felix better. 

“No, everything is good. I am fine.”

“Did I do something to upset you?”

“No, never! Goodnight Binnie, let's talk tomorrow more.”

His heart was still beating fast, and he tried to calm himself down. Lix wanted to snuggle so bad with his friend but something odd was keeping him from doing so. Perhaps this whole new body caused this new feeling of shyness.

Suddenly he felt strong arms around him. 

“Is it okay to hold you while we sleep?”

Changbin whispered in his right ear from behind.

No! His heart will jump definitely out of his chest! 

“Yes, sure.” 

“Goodnight Lix.”

Changbin whispered with a happy and tranquil voice. 

“Goodnight Binnie.”

Felix gulped. He didn't sleep that night though. The presence of his friend, and not the foreign body Changbin was stuck in, was for the first time too close and he was way too aware of his whole friend's being. In a pleasant and unpleasant sense mixed, his mind had been clouded with Changbin, each movement and breath coming from him.


End file.
